"I wanna see you be brave"

Prince E is so good to me.  I am learning to trust him and it's an amazing thing.  I haven't trusted a man in...well, ever.  My dad was not good to me and then my ex and then the guys I've dated.  So, this is a new thing and it's scary.  I'm learning to just go with it and trust my heart.  My intuition/heart/6th sense has never been wrong. To trust Prince E is such a free feeling....I don't feel trapped or crazy.  There's no way to explain what it feels to trust someone.  I feel free and happy and light. BUT...I have discovered a trigger. When Prince E doesn't text me back within an hour I go crazy. This has happened twice and both times I realized right away that I was being triggered, but I don't know what to do about it. For 10 years when my texts and calls were ignored it meant that X was with another woman and it destroyed me.  It caused me so much pain and despair.  There's no way to explain the feeling of being so completely betrayed

I joined a bunch of dating sites about 2 years ago.  It was fun.  I had 12 dates lined up.  Well, I thought I had 12 dates lined up.   But, then I was talking to my sister and found out that hook ups aren't the same as dates.  I cancelled those hook ups and was a little discouraged. After a year of dating and hating it I cancelled all sites and focused on me.  I did a lot of fun things, found out who I am again and .... decided I was ready to try again. I joined POF.   I dated a lot. I really liked one guy and we dated awhile and I pushed him away with my trust issues. Looking back I realize that he was not what I wanted.   He wasn't patient or kind or respectful. I dated more and was a lot more careful and picky. Dating sucks!!!! 99% of the guys pretend to want a relationship, but then focus solely on how to get sex. 6 ish weeks ago I wrote in my journal about what I want.   I want a man who will be patient with me, who will understand my trust issues,

October 20, 2013:  I went to church alone again!  As we left T (my oldest) told me he didn't want to go to church if his dad didn't have to go.  I was so mad and discouraged.  I got to church and sat with the family we always sit with.  They were always amazing and so helpful when I was at church alone.  They never asked about anything, they just helped and I am so grateful for them.  It was High Council Sunday and it made church even more difficult.  The High Councilman started talking about obedience and about the wiseman and the foolish man.  As he was speaking I realized that I can't do this anymore.  I couldn't be in a marriage where we were headed 2 ways.  I knew right then that my marriage was almost over. October 21, 2013:  I had a normal day, but had a lot of time thinking about what to do with my life.  I did laundry, cooked, cleaned and took care of my kids.  The boys were in bed and I was writing in my journal and N was on the computer.  I could see the re

Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference was today in Salt Lake. It was hard to go. I want to leave this life in the past...the one that has anything to do with pornography, but I'm learning I can't ever do that. I'm raising 3 boys in this world, I work with the young women in my church and... I will fight to keep them safe from pornography or get them help they need. The Conference was great! The videos from the classes will be here soon. Following are some of my favorite resources I found at the conference: The Facts found here   and here porn sex vs. healthy sex found here The Hazards of Porn found here Net Cetera Chatting with Kids about Being Online here 7 Steps to Protect your Family download the steps here This website has books that help parents talk to their kids about sex and pornography. I looked through each book and they are amazing. Every home should have these books! This website gives i

Around Thanksgiving/Christmas time I was feeling pretty lonely and wanted to find someone to be with.  A guy to ease my burden of single motherhood, make me smile again, talk to and do things with.  So, I downloaded a ton of dating sites, paid some money and started dating.  It was fun.  I liked the attention.  But I still didn't have that one person.  That person to talk to, laugh with, do things with. In January sometime I sent a message to a guy.  He was a bit mysterious so I sent a message and we started messaging back and forth. It wasn't like the usually dating stuff. It was fun and comfortable and there was no pressure. He made me laugh and was smart and witty. We started texting and have texted every day. We met for dinner and there wasn't a spark or butterflies or whatever you want to call it. We talked about our 'relationship' and what we wanted and agreed to be friends. I LOVE the way things are. He's met the boys and we've all

X spent 3 days in jail.  He beat his 3 step sons and a police officer saw.  He's out on bail...his grandparents enable him.  It broke my heart to tell my boys that they have to have supervised visits with their dad because of some bad choices he's made.  They also know there's an investigation, but they don't know why.  They are taking it in.  They ask questions and they are mad and it breaks my heart. I heard and cried.  His dad called and told me.  I cried because I can't believe where his choices have taken him.  I can't believe he is so far from the person I fell in love with him and married.  I know he's better than this and that we could've lived happily ever after if he would have made different choices.  Sometimes I still ache for what could have been.  I still have moments of grieving for the life I had always dreamed of.