worry.

I wonder if I'll ever totally trust my man again.
He's almost 30 days clean with 1 little hiccup.
And I still don't trust him 100%.
I wish he never would've done this to me.
I used to be THE most naive person EVER!
And now....I'm not.
I hate that my man changed that in me.
I am happy, I really am.
But I don't know if I'll ever totally trust him.
When he leaves to go places alone I worry the whole time!
I worry he's going to find a way to make a call.
I worry that he's going to give into Satan.
I worry about it all.
I want this to go away.
I want him to leave and be able to sit at home and work on a project or watch TV in peace.
I worry that I'll never stop worrying!
Addictions affect more than just the addict.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

fighting

He's fighting. I just talked to him and asked why. He told me he deosn't want to lose his family. He wants to be home with us. I've never been this....withdrawn and angry. I am so hurt. The things he's said and done to me...I don't know if I can forgive. I don't trust him. But, he's fighthing. He calls me every morning and every night. He stops by to see the kids. He's 7 days clean. I'm not about to let him move home or be too quick to forgive, but he's fighting! I will be honest....I wasn't sure he'd choose me. I'm still not sure, as time goes by, that he'll keep fighting and choose me. But, for now, he's fighting and winning and choosing me. And I'm still being cautious. I'm still struggling to trust him and i know it will come with time....unless he messes up again.
Read more

hell

long story short: my man got a new phone. i installed net nanny on it. he uninstalled it. he left for 8 hours to get his fix and came home. for 2 weeks he was ALL addict. he locked me out of the room while he did his video chatting and porn watching. i sat in the front room ALONE and hurting so bad. on our way out the door for church without my man and he locked me out of the bathroom. i told him it was time for him to leave. forever. he laughed at me like i was kidding. i went crazy. not my finest moment. definately not proud of what followed. especially since my children were home. i kicked the door down. i broke it. i pushed my man into the bathtub. i used the plunger and plunged his face. then i used the handle to hit him. i got out 8 years of hurting. i know it was wrong and i know it can't happen again, but it felt good. i got my boys in the car and we were leaving for the night so my man could see i was serious. the cops came. i got a citation for domestic violence, domestic...
Read more

i am a pioneer woman.

my man did great for so long. Life was good. We were happy. I was trusting him again...mostly. We weren't fighting. I was feeling like I was really worth something to him again. I liked it! I felt like we were going to live happily ever after. Then, we were planning to leave town. The boys and I were outside waiting for my man to get home. We had all our stuff outside. He promised to be home in 15 minutes. 9 hours later he made it. I had to tell my boys we weren't leaving, I had to figure out how to tell them their dad wasn't going to be home. I was upset and sad for me for a bit. Then I had this feeling that I needed to buck it up. I need to be my boys' mom. They needed me. I was sad for them. We laid in my bed and talked and read and fell asleep. I was up all night thinking and praying. I came to a conclusion. I need to stop caring. As soon as I decided that I felt so much peace and was able to spend my night for me and not worrying abo...
Read more