shattered
It's amazing how fast life changes.
I knew the happiness and bliss couldn't last.
I wanted it to and I hoped it would.
OH, how I hoped and prayed that he would continue to fight for me.
But, he gave up and gave in and lost.
2 days in a row.
He doesn't just lose.
He leaves me!
He leaves me and doesn't come home for hours and doesn't answer the phone.
I'm left here wondering and my mind goes crazy.
Well, tonight, my boys were up and he siad he'd be here and he said he had a treat for them.
He never showed up.
They spent a couple hours drawing him pictures and waiting up for him.
AND HE NEVER SHOWED.
So, what am I supposed to do?
Instead of crying and feeling sad for myself I bucked up and took action.
I am being strong....for now.
I packed his stuff in a garbage bag and I was quite nice and organized about it.
Then I stuck it on the doorstep and locked the 3 locks on our door.
I texted him and asked him not to bother me until he decides what he really wants.
I'm done with this life.
I am so sick of the rollercoaster ride.
I'm sick of opening myself up just to get hurt again.
I'm willing to do it.
I would stick around forever if he'd never give up.
I know there are hiccups with addicts, but if he's just going to give up,
then I'm not staying and I'm not making my boys go through this anymore.
They cried and cried and cried.
We were in the car and they BEGGED me to go look for him.
They cried because they wanted to show him their pictures.
They cried because they want him to love them even if he doesn't love me.
I cried because they've reached ages that they're starting to be affected.
So, I calmly and lovingly sat down with them and, without crying, I told them that their dad isn't choosing the right and until he decides to be the father in our home he can't be here.
The questions and comments that followed broke my heart.
"What if he doesn't ever decide to choose the right?"
"will he be at my birthday party on Saturday?"
My response: I don't know. We will ask him when he calls.
"what if he's not?"
me: "then we'll find someone else who knows how to fish and that person will take us and we'll have fun."
My 5 year old: "It won't be very much fun without my dad there. He's my best friend."
"why doesn't daddy want to be with us?"
"Tell him if he loves me and brother he will come home even if he doesn't love you."
"Why won't he choose us?"
"Will dad be with us in heaven if he doesn't decide to choose the right?"
"I just want to show daddy my picture."
"please go find him...please!"
All of this while my sweet, innocent boys, 5 and 3, were sobbing!!!! I hated it! I hated that I had to have this conversation with them. I am so mad that my dumb ass husband is ruining 5 people's lives because of his selfishness! Ruin mine....FINE! But our 3 boys lives? GROW UP!
I knew the happiness and bliss couldn't last.
I wanted it to and I hoped it would.
OH, how I hoped and prayed that he would continue to fight for me.
But, he gave up and gave in and lost.
2 days in a row.
He doesn't just lose.
He leaves me!
He leaves me and doesn't come home for hours and doesn't answer the phone.
I'm left here wondering and my mind goes crazy.
Well, tonight, my boys were up and he siad he'd be here and he said he had a treat for them.
He never showed up.
They spent a couple hours drawing him pictures and waiting up for him.
AND HE NEVER SHOWED.
So, what am I supposed to do?
Instead of crying and feeling sad for myself I bucked up and took action.
I am being strong....for now.
I packed his stuff in a garbage bag and I was quite nice and organized about it.
Then I stuck it on the doorstep and locked the 3 locks on our door.
I texted him and asked him not to bother me until he decides what he really wants.
I'm done with this life.
I am so sick of the rollercoaster ride.
I'm sick of opening myself up just to get hurt again.
I'm willing to do it.
I would stick around forever if he'd never give up.
I know there are hiccups with addicts, but if he's just going to give up,
then I'm not staying and I'm not making my boys go through this anymore.
They cried and cried and cried.
We were in the car and they BEGGED me to go look for him.
They cried because they wanted to show him their pictures.
They cried because they want him to love them even if he doesn't love me.
I cried because they've reached ages that they're starting to be affected.
So, I calmly and lovingly sat down with them and, without crying, I told them that their dad isn't choosing the right and until he decides to be the father in our home he can't be here.
The questions and comments that followed broke my heart.
"What if he doesn't ever decide to choose the right?"
"will he be at my birthday party on Saturday?"
My response: I don't know. We will ask him when he calls.
"what if he's not?"
me: "then we'll find someone else who knows how to fish and that person will take us and we'll have fun."
My 5 year old: "It won't be very much fun without my dad there. He's my best friend."
"why doesn't daddy want to be with us?"
"Tell him if he loves me and brother he will come home even if he doesn't love you."
"Why won't he choose us?"
"Will dad be with us in heaven if he doesn't decide to choose the right?"
"I just want to show daddy my picture."
"please go find him...please!"
All of this while my sweet, innocent boys, 5 and 3, were sobbing!!!! I hated it! I hated that I had to have this conversation with them. I am so mad that my dumb ass husband is ruining 5 people's lives because of his selfishness! Ruin mine....FINE! But our 3 boys lives? GROW UP!
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