fighting

He's fighting.
I just talked to him and asked why. He told me he deosn't want to lose his family. He wants to be home with us.
I've never been this....withdrawn and angry.
I am so hurt. The things he's said and done to me...I don't know if I can forgive.
I don't trust him.
But, he's fighthing. He calls me every morning and every night.
He stops by to see the kids.
He's 7 days clean.
I'm not about to let him move home or be too quick to forgive, but he's fighting!
I will be honest....I wasn't sure he'd choose me. I'm still not sure, as time goes by, that he'll keep fighting and choose me.
But, for now, he's fighting and winning and choosing me.
And I'm still being cautious.
I'm still struggling to trust him and i know it will come with time....unless he messes up again.

Comments

Scabs said…
Been there. You're right to be cautios cautious. Trust yourself because you can't trust him. You and I share some of the same story so I totally know how you feel right now...take care of yourself!
April 4, 2012 at 9:28 PM
Buffalo Gal said…
I hope he keeps fighting and winning and choosing you.
April 6, 2012 at 12:58 PM
Anonymous said…
You are strong. We where made to be courageous, and courageous you are! You are capable of ANYTHING! Please dont let your fear of the unknown keep you stuck in a paralyzing, hell hole.
April 7, 2012 at 8:30 PM
Anonymous said…
Oh Hope, I am thinking of you EVERYDAY!

I love you so much! Keep doing the very BEST you can.... be very, VERY CAUTIOUS!

LOVE YOU!

Jacy
April 10, 2012 at 3:39 PM
Bubbles said…
You are one tough cookie, and you deserve soooooooo much better than this crap! How many times has he let you down? How many times? You are a saint, and he is not worthy or deserving of your love and forgiveness. One day I hope he sees that. I am just sick that you have to continually go through this. What the hell is going on with our men?! Where have they gone?! It's not right. Have you read "Wild at Heart" yet? By John Eldredge?
April 11, 2012 at 5:49 PM
Marci said…
You are amazing! I know things will work out the way they're supposed to. My mam didn't get a clue until he was out of the house for 7 months. Sometimes that is what it takes. But I'm here to tell you it can work out. It isn't pretty but it can work and be better than it ever was!
April 14, 2012 at 6:06 PM
Xena said…
Wow, you are in such a tough position. It's so tempting to believe that this time his remorse is real but will translate into massive turn around for him. Good luck with your choices!! When its over for real, you will know. Hugs
April 21, 2012 at 12:39 AM
hopeandhealingadmin said…
"What the hell is going on with our men?! Where have they gone?! It's not right."

It's not, but they in a sense are victims, too. Many were caught in the snare when they were young. It changes their brains. They simply can't fix it without a lot of help and support, and it takes a long time...at least a year, sometimes many years, to have the brain really change and heal.

And it will take time for you to heal, regardless of what he chooses to do. Sounds like you have a good therapist. I hope you have some good 12-step or other support, too.
April 27, 2012 at 11:57 PM
HX said…
Hope things are going well for you . . .
May 9, 2012 at 11:59 AM
warlocksmistress said…
Wow. Your story = my story.

Hubby and I have been separated for a year now, he moved out of the province for work. I just pulled the plug a month ago and told him I was done and wasn't ever moving out there to be with him. I have 2 girls, one 10 year old from a previous relationship whom he has been around for since she was 2, and another 3 year old with him.

I discovered the porn after 5 years of being together, when we moved away from our family to the middle of nowhere, again for his work. After a confrontation he agreed to stop, didn't, and caused my life to spiral into depression & anorexia. I got a little better, then worse again, he was still doing porn and claiming it was an addiction, he attempted suicide, went on meds that killed his sex drive, and ever since then (2 years ago) has said he is cured.

I'm done with all his drama and am ready to make my own life for myself and my girls. I hope you can figure out how to make your life full of happiness again - I do think it is possible for us to leave it all behind and move on. Forget but never forgive is my motto.
May 10, 2012 at 9:40 AM
The Fragile Teacup said…
I can really relate to all you've said here. I struggle with being cautious. After all, the lies seem to become our truth at times, that when the truth does come out and we start to heal it's a hard, cautious road. I 100% believe in forgiveness because we are the only ones who end up hurting in the end. And we never forget. We're human.
August 2, 2012 at 2:49 PM
Sex Addiction Treatment NYC said…
I think this web site holds some really superb info for everyone. “There is nothing so disagreeable, that a patient mind cannot find some solace for it.” by Dorothy Hayden.
August 24, 2012 at 5:03 PM
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