forever

I don't even know where to start.
I quit blogging because, to be honest, I was sick of people telling me to leave beause I deserve better.  I know I deserve better!  There is not a woman in the world who deserves to live like this...NO ONE DESERVES THIS!  We all deserve better...all of us who have to live with men in our lives who don't really cherish us. 
I was also sick of people telling me to leave.  I know many women leave and I know many women think I should leave, but it's such a personal decision.  I need to make that decision on my own and I don't want people judging me for staying.
I went to court for beating my man.  I pleaded abeyance.  I had to read The Bonds that Make Us Free and do a book report.  It was a great book and I think everyone should read it.  There are a lot of things I learned from it, but still some things I don't agree with.  All charges were dropped as of October 30 and my record will be clean as long as I don't get any moving violations before November 22.  I also had to finish counseling/anger management which I did.  My counselor was awesome.  She said I don't have anger issues, I'm not an angry person.  I've been hurt to the core and don't know how to deal with it.  She helped me so much and I LOVE her.
How are things with my man and I?  HORRIBLE!  For 3 months now he spends all his free time looking at porn, participating in cyber sex and ignoring me.  He is rude and demeaning to get what he wants.  It's like I'm greiving the death of my husband.  It's been hard...really hard, but it's getting easier.  Easier to live a seperate life from him.
Why do I stay?  Oh, boy!  My boys love him.  But I'm starting to see how they are affected by what is going on.  I don't want them to think this is the way marriage is and this is the way a man should treat his wife.  I know my 7 year old gets it.  He is kind, respectful and aware of the feelings of everyone around him.  But I know it's affecting them.  My baby was diagnosed with mild autism.  He's 18 months and not talking, among other things.  I can NOT stand the thought of my children going to daycare.  So, I live a life seperate from my man and make sure my boys are happy, healthy and know how much I love them.  I treat my man with respect civility and he is always invited to join us. 
This is the way it's got to be for awhile.  It's the only thing I'm willing to do right now.  It's all I want to do right now.  It's working for me for now.
I'm not going to do this forever and I have a plan.  It's not what I was always hoping my life would be, but it's better than this hell I'm in right now.  I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!  I've been admitted and filled out the FAFSA and have my degree chosen and I am excited.  I am taking the steps to my freedom.  I will do online classes until my baby starts preschool, then I'll go to a classroom.  I'll go part time until my baby's in kindergarten and then I'll go fulltime and be done when he starts 1st grade.  It's a long time, but it's a plan and I feel good about it.  At that point I'll look for a job anywhere and will leave where the job takes me and leave my husband to his own misery.
I'm exhausted.  I go to bed at night and cry until I don't have any tears left.  I cry for my dead marriage, I cry for my husband who has let this addiction define him and I cry for my boys.  I also cry for myself.  I hurt, like physically hurt from all of this.  I keep saying that I wish I could go back and never have married him, but then I wouldn't have my boys and they are my everything!  They are the reason I get up in the morning and they are the reason I smile and laugh and keep going.  But, I wish my heart would quit hurting.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I'm so sorry to hear all that you are going through. My husband is a porn addict too. I just want you to know that you have support. It is so difficult to live with an addict, and yet divorce (especially when kids are involved) is awful too. No one can (or should) tell you if/when you should leave your marriage. Only you can decide what is best for you and your kids. Maybe right now it is best for you to stay in your marriage because then you can be at home with your kids. By having a plan for the future, you are moving forward. I hope that you will have some peace and comfort soon. Sending good thoughts your way! -Elle
November 5, 2012 at 4:52 PM
Anonymous said…
I can relate to your struggle. I have been dealing with the same issues of 11 years and what I have learned from confiding in people is that no one truely understands what you are going though unless they have been through the same issue. Most people look at it like "thats what you are mad about" at least they are not with a real person, but it is the same if not worse! It makes you feel so low, unattractive, and its like nothing you do is good enough for that person. My journey started pretty early in our realtionship, still I married him thinking things would get better, well 2 kids and 11 years later it still hasnt changed. I could go so indepth in the things that I have delt with but long story short he was caught again Sunday. Tears are litterally rooling down my face as we speak. I mean it can be years between times they are caught, and I keep a close eye on things in my house! I love this man, he is perfect in every other way. He will not bring anything into the house if fear of me finding it and leaving but god has a way of making things come to light. Its always the same thing when he is caught, he will go to meetings, talk to everyone, go to counseling, make it look like he will change (not get caught for a while) and I say not get caught beause I dont belive he ever truely stops. I dont know whats worse having someone tell you they wont go or having them go and lying the whole time. He just finds new ways to hide it. I feel I am going crazy because I have to revamp my day just to make sure he is not alone with the internet. I love my kids and he is a great father but it affects me so much. Of course he is again on his knees begging me to not leave, looking up counselors. I dont think I can ever trust him again. I am sad to say that what could have been a beautiful marrage if finally at an end. This is the first time that I have tried to find help and support for myself to heal from this and I am happy to see others that can understand the struggle. Porn addiction affects so much more than just the porn addict it affects the whole family.
November 16, 2012 at 1:42 AM
Anonymous said…
I found out my husband was addicted to porn June of 2011. I was totally in shock. I honestly didn't see the signs other than he was unable to be intimately for most of our 15 year marriage. I decided to be positive and think with his confession to me that it possibly could be a new beginning. He told me He didn't get caught...and now 1 year 5 months later I caught him in a lie and finally he admitted that he was watching video's on You Tube...huge bust in my bubble. I have a 15 year old son and I he doesn't want to admit that he has a porn addiction. I am just lost in my thoughts trying to figure this out.
November 29, 2012 at 10:14 AM
Marci said…
So glad to know you haven't fallen off the face of the planet. It sounds like you're in as good a place as possible right now. You are such a strong person! Know that I care and think about you and your little family often. My prayers are headed your way!
December 13, 2012 at 9:06 AM
Idliketobehappyagain said…
Wow- my heart aches for you/me/us..... I started school too this year! My kids are in daycare :( but I feel better about it now then I did originally, it helped that I eased them into it, just 3-4 hours a day at first, then after a few months they started going full time. If I think about it too much my heart starts hurting sooo much. Bt then I remind myself that I got my impression from God. And they are in Gods hands, just like I am in his hands. I am still married. We are in seperate rooms. He knows that once I find a job there is a good chance I will leave and take the kids with me. My struggle is 13 years long. No judgment my friend. Be safe.
December 29, 2012 at 4:25 PM
Finding Freckles said…
Hello!

Check out my blog some time.
http://findingfrecklesblog.blogspot.com/
I will have some posts over the year that you might find interest and hopefully helpful. Wishing you the best,
Kandee
January 20, 2013 at 7:49 PM
Unknown said…
http://liftingeachother.blogspot.com

I am also the wife of a porn addict. We have created a bracelet to show support of each other in this trial. I'm just trying to get the word out so others know we are not alone in this.
March 16, 2013 at 2:33 PM
Anonymous said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
April 10, 2013 at 2:48 AM
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