confusion

Ugh!

I love him.  I really do.
  
I went to church alone with my boys.  He stayed home and changed the netflix password so he could watch nasty movies.  He tried to change the comcast password, but I took the remote to church.  I realize this isn't normal.  I shouldn't feel the need to take a remote to church to force my husband to do what is right, but that's where I'm at in my life.

He took our boys on a father and son campout and they had fun.  Those sweet boys love their dad so much.  I hate taking him out of their lives.  I hate it!  But he's not a good dad on a daily basis...he doesn't come home and help with homework, play, etc.  He comes home, turns the TV on, yells at them for being loud and that's it.

I cried today.  This isn't new.  I cry every day lately.  I cry almost all day.  He was taking a nap and I wanted to go snuggle up next to him and have him hold me and keep me safe.  I went and laid down and he rolled over.  I couldn't do it.  I don't trust him.  He doesn't want this.  We talked for a minute and he said he doesn't know what he wants.  He wants his porn/fantasy sex and he wants a good mormon wife who does everything for him and loves him.  He doesn't get that this is the beginning of the end.

I was on pinterest.  I searched 'divorce' and there were divorce announcements, parties, cakes, etc.  Maybe I'll get to the point where I understand that stuff.  But right now I am just sad.  I don't want this to be over.

I was going to pack for a month 'vacation' but after today I feel like I need to pack for good.  If he changes and I come back then I'll move again.  But if he doesn't then I don't want to have to come back.  I also want him to see everything empty and to really see what his life is like without us.

He will miss his boys so much and that hurts my heart.  And the boys will miss him so much and that hurts even more.  Am I doing the right thing?  Why does this have to be so hard?  I want to fast forward 6 months!!!!  

Comments

Natalie Jane said…
So much love to you.

He will always be their Dad. They will miss him. But you can't let the pain be all you know. He can still take them camping and make the effort.

You have to protect your family. You need to be in a safe place. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. He is. Literally. His choices are going to make him lose what is most important.

This has nothing to do with you. Let him make his poor, weak, loser choices.

You can move forward.
May 20, 2013 at 11:25 AM
warlocksmistress said…
I've been there; and as hard as it is, you need to do what you know is best for yourself and for your boys.

You can't let them see their dad's behavior as "normalized" or they will end up doing exactly the same thing. He is not treating you with any respect or decency; you deserve so much more than that.

I honestly found it was easier to be a single parent than to live with a man I knew didn't really want me.

I'm here if you need to talk, k?
May 22, 2013 at 12:33 PM
Clementine said…
Hope-

You are doing the right thing. You are doing the right thing. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Nothing you can do will ever make him change. Could it be a wakeup, sure.... could it help spark the idea of what needs to happen, possibly.... but Hope, you can't change him. Only he can change himself.

I know your boys love him... and yes, he loves his boys... of course he does... but this is not healthy. He is not healthy. And how can an unhealthy man be contribute to a thriving, progressing and healthy family relationship? In very limited ways I imagine.

You have hung on for so long. You have tried and tried and tried. In the 3.5 years I have known you, your strength has hardly ever wavered.

Maybe this is your breaking point? The real breaking point that you feared would come all along?

Hope, if I were you, I would ride this out... I would go forward.... leave your man on the dusty trail and move forward without him. No more wishful thinking... it's time for him to make SERIOUS changes or you are gone.

He can always win you back.... he can always begin the long process of healing and recovery... he can begin anytime... maybe you will be there for him, maybe you won't. But dear sweet amazing friend of mine, you cannot force yourself to wait forever.

Start this process. See where it leads you. He has the power to change the situation. He has the power to win you back. He knows this. So make him DO IT.

And if he doesn't, I promise you Hope, you will be okay. Your boys will be okay.

I think of you often... and I am rooting for you... I love you so much and more than anything else, I want YOU TO BE HAPPY.

Please call me if you need me!

XOXOXOXO



June 3, 2013 at 6:34 PM
Tiffany said…
Divorce him. Seriously. I left my porn addict husband and it was the BEST choice I ever made. Pornies feel it's their right as a man to watch porn and make their wives feel undesired and unloved. Porn is cheating. In marriage, you're supposed to forsake ALL other women. That includes barbara cumguzzler. Know what else I did? Eyefucked hot guys RIGHT in front of him. Stared at their crotch areas. Made comments about what they'd be like in bed. Looked between his legs and frowned. I broke him like he broke me. The thing is, this man you're with is only making you feel alone. Distance yourself and get the hell out of the relationship. Don't talk to him. Don't have sex with him. Distance yourself. Think of what a big, fat liar he is. Move on!
June 6, 2013 at 9:33 AM
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