"I wanna see you be brave"

Well, it's been 25 days.  It's almost been a month since we separated. It's been good. There have been some rough times. I cry. Things set me off and I get really sad for the life I thought we had.  We had a lot of fun times together.  A lot of fun as a family.  I loved him.  When we talk on the phone it's weird not telling him I love him.  I do love him, but it's a different kind of love.  I care for him and I feel sad for him.  I have already hated him...I've gone through the angry stage (see the post about the plunger).  I am just sad for him. But, I miss what should've been.  What could've been if he'd have worked harder and fought harder and CHOSEN me! I really struggle with this question: Why didn't he choose me?  Will I ever be worth choosing to anyone? As I work through my emotions I have discovered that this healing stuff really sucks!  But, it's worth it because those moments are rare. Mostly I'm happy, or at...

My family has told me that they thought I would be more of a wreck. That I would cry and sleep and be sad and depressed. But, I'm happy and fine and feel so free. People tell me how sorry they are. When I tell them I'm fine and they SEE that I'm okay, the ask why. So, my explanation is that it's like my husband has had cancer for 7 ish years. I've slowly grieved this loss. I've gone through every step of the grief cycle many times. But, this past year it got more intense and I really grieved big time. And then the past month he was already gone.  I mean, he was there, but he wasn't. Like when people with cancer are in their final days. they are physically there, but they don't respond and they can't talk and they aren't present....just there, waiting to go. That's how my husband was.  He was there, but we didn't talk and we lived seperate lives. I was able to grieve that loss. It was hard.  I look back at my jou...

8 days ago I left my old life.  I left my husband.  I left my friends and I left the place I loved and had known as home for 9 years. The week leading up to that day was hectic, chaotic, sad and exhausting. My husband indulged in his smut while I was packing.  If I was packing in the living room he was on his computer looking at and talking to whores. The weirdest thing for me is that I did NOT care...at all.   We were like strangers living in the same house.  I don't know how we got to this point.  It was weird.  But, I wasn't sad or mad or hurt or anything.   I need to clarify something....I wasn't sad I was leaving him, but I was broken hearted for my children. I was sad I was leaving this life I wanted, this life I thought I was going to have when I married this man 9 years ago who has slowly become a stranger in my life. The day I left was a good day.   My dad showed up and I felt so much peace.  We didn't have ...