cancer vs sudden death

My family has told me that they thought I would be more of a wreck.
That I would cry and sleep and be sad and depressed.
But, I'm happy and fine and feel so free.
People tell me how sorry they are.
When I tell them I'm fine and they SEE that I'm okay, the ask why.
So, my explanation is that it's like my husband has had cancer for 7 ish years.
I've slowly grieved this loss.
I've gone through every step of the grief cycle many times.
But, this past year it got more intense and I really grieved big time.
And then the past month he was already gone.  I mean, he was there, but he wasn't.
Like when people with cancer are in their final days.
they are physically there, but they don't respond and they can't talk and they aren't present....just there, waiting to go.
That's how my husband was.  He was there, but we didn't talk and we lived seperate lives.
I was able to grieve that loss.
It was hard.  I look back at my journal over the past 7 years and it makes me so sad that I had to go through so much.  It makes me sad that there are so many women who have to go through it.
But, I did and I am stronger because of it.  And I see how much greiving I did.
So, today I am fine.  
There are things that make me sad....like hearing our song on the radio or putting a bookshelf together and having NO ONE to help me lift it up, like wanting to go out for a drink, but not being brave enough to go alone.  Those things make me sad.  
But I am okay.
Other people, people who thought we were a perfect family and a happy  couple who are just hearing the news ..... it's like a sudden death to them.  
They didn't know it was coming.  
They have to greive all at once. 
They are just starting the grieving process and I am just finishing it.

My boys have grieved, too.
Their dad has had cancer and I didn't realize it was affecting them.
They had to slowly grieve as they watched their dad become more and more distant.
He was less and less present in their lives.
He was more impatient.
He didn't spend time with them, he didn't eat dinner with them, he didn't do things with them, he quit going to church, he just quit being a part of our lives.
He slowly died.  
They haven't asked to talk to him.
So, today I asked if they wanted to call him and they said, "no!"
It makes me sad that they have slowly lost their dad, but I am SO glad they are adjusting to this change. 

Comments

Anonymous said…
I have been in your shoes, I was thinking the same thoughts, but was not able to put them into word, thank you for that. You can do this.

red_murray2@yahoo.com
November 6, 2013 at 5:33 PM
Marci said…
Wow, I have wondered off and on for the past 6 months or so how you are doing. And today I found out. You sound so strong and like you are in a good place. I am soo glad for you.
November 14, 2013 at 7:13 PM
Finding Freckles said…
I so appreciate the way you have shared this sacred story. You will be more then okay and at times it will be really hard and messy. God is so good and you represent the light of His goodness. Sending you the best of thoughts!
November 15, 2013 at 11:48 PM
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