Christmas Eve

I was fine.
I was having fun with all my siblings and their families here.
Everyone was getting along great and I was really enjoying spending time with my family.
Up to this point I hadn't really had any break downs.  I was doing great.  I was emotionally, mentally and physically doing great.
And then I heard a woman screaming and sobbing.  I looked outside and there were ambulances, police cars and people.
I don't know my neighbors well.  They have a 5 year old boy who comes over and plays a lot.  I know that the wife works full time and the husband is unemployed.  I know they lost their business and were losing their house in January.  I also knew that H (husband) suffered from depression.
I don't know what I thougt happened.  It didn't matter.
I KNEW THAT SOUND.  I knew that sobbing and screaming meant loss.  Loss and anger and utter despair.
We found out that H, the one who is supposed to provide safety and security for his family, had killed himself.
I stood outside on Christmas Eve and cried.I felt all those emotions again, and I felt a new one, too.  I felt so much sorry for my sweet neighbor whose husband left her.
That cry hasn't left me.  There was a time when I didn't know cries like that existed. And then my husband betrayed me and each time for a long time I would cry like that.  It was like my whole soul was wracked with despair and hurt.  I cried so hard and with so much emotion; I didn't know it was possible to cry like that.  Oh, there were so many times I cried like that.  And it all came back to me as I stood there on Christmas Eve.  The memories and feelings I had every time N (my soon-to-be-ex-husband) wouldn't come home from work until 3 am, or the times he'd leave mad and I'd have to comfort our kids and let them know I would never leave them and they were safe, the times he locked me out of my room to be alone with other women via phone or internet, the times he spent money (a lot of it) on other women and leaving me trying to figure out how to make ends meet.  Oh, there were so many times my whole soul hurt and I would just sob.  I think it will hurt forever.  No matter how you lose your husband (death, addiction, betrayal) it will always hurt.  We all have to grieve that loss.
I spent a lot of Christmas Eve awake, crying.   On Christmas morning I understood that I have gained so much more than I ever lost.  It still hurts,  but I know that I am a better, stronger person for what I've been through.

Comments

Madagaea (Mad-uh-ghee-uh) said…
So beautiful and so very heart wrenching.
January 25, 2014 at 7:24 PM
David said…
Fantastic post!!
February 9, 2014 at 2:41 AM
Anonymous said…
Wow, you express the heart- wrenching-punched-in-the-gut type of pain so well. Thank you for sharing. I appreciated so much how you said it doesn't matter how we have lost our husband, it still hurts. There are differences in circumstances, but the pain, oh the pain, it is something we can each relate to. I know often we compare pain, and say things like, "well my pain is worse, cuz...." or "my pain isn't as bad cuz....", and the truth is, pain is pain, and we need to validate and support each other no matter the differences in the circumstances, and we have common ground in the emotions we experience. I am so grateful for the dear loved ones who validate me and support me, even though our trials are different. Thank you for sharing your pain and your feelings.
February 24, 2014 at 3:13 PM
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