don't judge me

I heard from someone that someone close to me, someone I trust, thinks I'm a bad mom.  She thinks I yell at my kids too much.  
Then there's my dad who thinks that I don't discipline my kids enough.  He thinks they need more spankings and need to be  yelled at more.
I was told by someone that they trust me, but then they told someone else that they don't trust me.
you know what none of them know?

I HURT EVERY DAY!
I am trying to survive EVERY DAY!
That's it!  My goal is to make it through the day.
I don't have the energy for much more than that.

I have 3 boys and they don't listen.  
I don't yell right away.  I ask nicely, I ask a little less nicely, I demand, and then...I YELL!
It's a goal of mine to not yell.  But, sometimes my need for survival comes before holding my tongue.

They don't know that 4 years ago on Feb. 27th I found out that my husband, the one who is supposed to love and cherish me, hired a hooker.  It destroyed me!
It's been 4 years ago, so I should be over it, right?
WRONG!  It's just like any other anniversary.  We celebrate wedding anniversary because it's a day your life changed.  Well, February 27th my life changed, too.  And no matter how much I try to forget it I CAN'T!  I can never undo that!  I remember it like it happened yesterday.  I remember every detail!  And even worse, I remember every feeling and I feel it all over again!  and it hurts!

They don't know that today is my 10th wedding anniversary.
Actually the people I'm talking about DO know it's my 10th wedding anniversary.
But I'm getting divorced so it doesn't mean anything, right?
WRONG!  10 years ago TODAY I married a man who promised to love and cherish me!
I gave him EVERYTHING I had and he destroyed it!
Today is supposed to be a happy day.  He was supposed to change and choose me.
But he didn't.  Today is a reminder of everything that was SUPPOSED to be.  Everything that COULD have been.

They don't know that 2 years ago on March 18th I was arrested!
Another awesome day to remember!
More horrible feelings to relive.
And, just like with any other day that changed my life, I can't forget this day!
I remember EVERY piece of what happened from that day until 6 months later when my abeyance was fulfilled!

Don't judge me!
love me.
support me.
be kind to me.
lift me up.
help me.
lighten my burden.

Comments

Kilee Marie said…
I wish we could all wear a sign that says "Fragile: handle with care." I'm so sorry :( This post makes my heart ache for you. This is all so incredibly hard. You are doing the best you can, and that is all God expects of you. I know it's hard to take this advice, but don't worry about them. Just worry about yourself and your family, and keep on living. Do more than survive--LIVE :)Live for everything good, and God will take care of the bad for you.
March 5, 2014 at 11:46 AM
Scabs said…
You're always safe with us. We love you. We support you. We've laughed and cried with you. We've been with you during this journey. Then entire time. We understand you and dud I mention we love you. Sorry about all the judgy people around you.
March 10, 2014 at 7:54 AM
WithIn the Heart of Me said…
I just came upon your blog and want to cry for what you've been through, One day it will not be so uncommon for us to tell our stories. One day -- those judgements spoken against us will be admiration. Praying for you.
March 23, 2014 at 9:25 AM
Letsy triagn said…
You can do this!! You can do more then survive -- Thrive!
May 7, 2014 at 2:43 PM
Tracey said…
I'm so sorry for what you've been through but from the looks of it, you're an amazing mom on your way to a better life! I'm married to a recovering addict under the GreatnessAhead program and though we're not headed towards divorce, it did cross my mind tons of times before. Just shrug those comments off and know that God is proud of you in striving hard to moving on with utmost optimism.
September 27, 2014 at 6:37 PM
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