don't let them in

I thought my ex and I were getting along well.
I thought we were agreeing on things and making sure the boys were happy and doing everything for them.
Then I found it nothing was as it seemed.

My boys told me to tell their dad they didn't want to go to his girlfriends house.
Well, that's what they did.  all day.
My boys hated it, they told me they would never go with their dad again.  They told me her kids were mean and used bad language.  They told me they didn't feel safe there and they would run and hide next time they had to go with their dad.  They want to talk to the judge and tell him they don't want to have to go with their dad every other weekend.

I want them to have a relationship with their dad.  It's important for them.  But, I want them to be safe, too.  I don't want to keep my ex from seeing his kids.  I enjoy my weekends when they are gone...I get to sleep in, get caught up on homework, go out with friends, etc.  I know that them having a relationship with their dad is part of life and I try to make sure it's a positive thing.  

So, I talked to the ex and we agreed that it would be okay to type up some rules that we'd both be willing to follow.  Rules isn't the right word....guidelines maybe?  Anyway, I typed them up and I signed my copy.  I had no problem with any of it.  I felt it was fair and in the best interest of the boys.  I felt like the guidelines set would also help the boys feel safe again so they'd want to be with their dad on his weekends.

I sent them to N and he said fine he'd sign it.

The next day he called me 7 times changing his mind, telling me I was controlling him, telling me I wasn't going to cut the boys out of his life, telling me that while the boys are with him I don't get to dictate what he can and can not do with them.  Then he'd call and apologize and tell me that he can see my point and that he was sorry and he'd sign it.  Then he'd call and tell me there's no way he was signing it.  Then he sent me an email telling me he wants to get back together and he misses me and loves me and wishes I'd give him another chance.  Then he'd call me and tell me that he doesn't have to sign the paper, that I'm manipulative and mean.

So, I met with my lawyer and I have a good case and I will win.  My lawyer called N and told him the same thing, but N is still going to fight it.  I got 4 phone calls that day.  He kept changing his mind.  He'd sign it then he wouldn't.  I found out it was because his Uncle was telling him what to do.  
I knew if I talked to his Uncle I could explain that I was doing this to protect the kids.
I was wrong.
His Uncle ripped me apart for 23 minutes.
I got to talk for about 5 minutes and the rest of the time I listened to him destroy me.
It hurt.
It hurt all over again.
It hurt like all the times N destroyed me.

He told me I was painting a picture for the world to see that I'm a perfect mom.
but all it is is a picture.
He told me that I'm a bad mom,
that N should've left me years before
He told me that I was evil 
he told me that I tricked N into giving up joint custody.
He told me that I'm at fault in the divorce.
He told me this blog was a way to play victim.
He told me I am a mean and awful person.
He told me N can take the boys to the strip club if he wants to during his time because what he does is none of his business.
He told me that I'm not worth anyone's time and that he can see through this facade and knows I'm not an amazing mom.
He stood there with me on speaker phone with my ex-husband and his grandparents listening and cheering him on.
I was destroyed and beat up all over again.

I loved these people once, well, minus his Uncle.  I never much cared for him.  But N and his grandparents.  I loved them.  I loved N so much and no one will know what I went through to make him change, to support him when he wanted to change or to just let him be and hope he'd choose to change.  I gave him my whole heart and soul and time and energy and he destroyed it.  I went out of my way to let his Grandparents know how much I loved them as well.  I sent them sincere notes of appreciation or gratitude or love and didn't ever tell anyone.  I didn't do those things to boast or get something.  I did it because I sincerely wanted them to know how grateful I was for them and how much I loved them.  I loved listening to their stories of their lives and hoped to pass those on to my boys.  I loved the traditions they had and how they made people feel loved.  

And they all sat there and destroyed me and beat me down to nothing.  Every one of them destroyed me. I'm so tired of being broken.  I didn't think I could hurt anymore. I feel betrayed and heartbroken.  I am not in a good place again.  I have cried for 2 days, haven't gotten dressed and have laid in bed watching movies.  

This is why I quit loving people.  This is why I quit letting people into my life.  I can't take the betrayal and the heartache.  It isn't worth it.

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