You're the one that I loved...

X called.
He's serious with a girl.
Actually, he told me they're getting married.

And, I'm a mess.
I haven't cried this much in a long time....about 2 years.
WHY?!  WHY is this bothering me so much?

It's taken me 3 days to work through all of this. 
The first day I couldn't stop crying.  
Today I cried once.
So I'm making progress.

So many emotions...
this is supposed to be my life, my happily ever after.
this man took it from me. He took it and is giving it to someone else.
He is changing for this woman and her 3 boys, but...
he wouldn't change for me or OUR boys!
He was supposed to make me so happy.  He promised me happiness, love and to cherish me.
He knows all of my insecurities, all of my weaknesses and he threw them in my face.

We were supposed to live a life together,
raise a family together,
go on adventures together,
go to soccer games, recitals, scouts, church, etc together.
I had envisioned growing old with this man.
Sitting on our porch swings and laughing at people walking by.
We were supposed to live happily ever after.
He is taking that all from me and my boys and giving it to another woman and her boys
and my heart is broken again.

I don't want him back
I can't give him another chance after what he did to me
But, I don't want him to be happy
I don't want him giving another woman 
the forever that was supposed to be mine

What was so wrong with me?  
I asked him. 
When he broke the news to me I asked him a lot of questons..
"men are visual and you're not good on the eyes."
He told me that this new girl will accept him for who he is.
I fell in love with a quirky man.  A guy a lot of people struggled with.
I gave him my life.
I would've given him anything,
I would've done anything he asked and gone anywhere he wanted to.
But, somehow, I wasn't enough.

I was never enough.  I was never what he really wanted.  I question if he ever really loved me.
And it breaks me all over again!  Why didn't he love me?  Why am I hurting?  Will I ever be enough for anyone?  

I don't want to be alone forever.
But I got on a few dating websites and guys started chatting with me and I couldn't do it.
Not because I don't want to
but because I truly believe 100% that no man would ever choose me or want to be with me.
AND I believe that because of a man who promised me eternity.

This is the song that I 'dedicated' to him when we were engaged:

How did we get so far from this?  How did he allow this to change so much?  
Why did he take this feeling away from me?  WHY?!  I loved him so much.
SO SO SO much!  I never game up on him.  I miss the man I married and I greive for him and the life that THAT man promised me.  I hate that he didn't chose me.  It has destroyed me.

This is the song that our marriage ended on:

His addiction was so deep.
He was sleeping with whores, never coming home, yelling and screaming at me and when I told him to choose which life he wanted he couldn't. He didn't say anything.

I would've been the ONE if he wanted me to be.
But he didn't.
You're the one that I loved, N.
and now I'm saying good bye to you.

I just wish the hurt would heal.

Comments

Anonymous said…
So sorry to hear you hurting so badly. You deserve all the happiness in the world and you will find it. You will realize one day how much better off you are by yourself than with a person like your ex. Don't let him define you or take away your worth. I went through something similar and I know this pain well, but you are worthy of all the love that comes your way.
January 14, 2016 at 12:06 AM
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