"I wanna see you be brave"

I don't even know where to start. I quit blogging because, to be honest, I was sick of people telling me to leave beause I deserve better.  I know I deserve better!  There is not a woman in the world who deserves to live like this...NO ONE DESERVES THIS!  We all deserve better...all of us who have to live with men in our lives who don't really cherish us.  I was also sick of people telling me to leave.  I know many women leave and I know many women think I should leave, but it's such a personal decision.  I need to make that decision on my own and I don't want people judging me for staying. I went to court for beating my man.  I pleaded abeyance.  I had to read The Bonds that Make Us Free and do a book report.  It was a great book and I think everyone should read it.  There are a lot of things I learned from it, but still some things I don't agree with.  All charges were dropped as of October 30 and my record will be clean as lon...

He's fighting. I just talked to him and asked why. He told me he deosn't want to lose his family. He wants to be home with us. I've never been this....withdrawn and angry. I am so hurt. The things he's said and done to me...I don't know if I can forgive. I don't trust him. But, he's fighthing. He calls me every morning and every night. He stops by to see the kids. He's 7 days clean. I'm not about to let him move home or be too quick to forgive, but he's fighting! I will be honest....I wasn't sure he'd choose me. I'm still not sure, as time goes by, that he'll keep fighting and choose me. But, for now, he's fighting and winning and choosing me. And I'm still being cautious. I'm still struggling to trust him and i know it will come with time....unless he messes up again.

long story short: my man got a new phone. i installed net nanny on it. he uninstalled it. he left for 8 hours to get his fix and came home. for 2 weeks he was ALL addict. he locked me out of the room while he did his video chatting and porn watching. i sat in the front room ALONE and hurting so bad. on our way out the door for church without my man and he locked me out of the bathroom. i told him it was time for him to leave. forever. he laughed at me like i was kidding. i went crazy. not my finest moment. definately not proud of what followed. especially since my children were home. i kicked the door down. i broke it. i pushed my man into the bathtub. i used the plunger and plunged his face. then i used the handle to hit him. i got out 8 years of hurting. i know it was wrong and i know it can't happen again, but it felt good. i got my boys in the car and we were leaving for the night so my man could see i was serious. the cops came. i got a citation for domestic violence, domestic...

My boys are in counsling. one has ADHD, the other has severe anxiety. They are now having anger issues...MAJOR anger issues. I told their counselor about my marriage and my sex addict husband. She asked me for a time line of events. When this all started, when we've been seperated, when he's not come home, when we've fought, how many times, and when, he's lied to the boys. I couldn't tell her. It's all a blur. He's left so many times I have no idea when he's been gone. We've been seperated so many times I quit keeping trrack. Why me? WHY!? I hate this! Why am I still married? Because..... well, I don't know! I'm starting to forget why. I'm starting to NOT want to be married. I'm starting to lose it all. My counselor told me that I'd slowly get to this point of not wanting to be married. I'm not loving this. My boys counselor told me that when we've tried everything and don't get any different results then it...

my man did great for so long. Life was good. We were happy. I was trusting him again...mostly. We weren't fighting. I was feeling like I was really worth something to him again. I liked it! I felt like we were going to live happily ever after. Then, we were planning to leave town. The boys and I were outside waiting for my man to get home. We had all our stuff outside. He promised to be home in 15 minutes. 9 hours later he made it. I had to tell my boys we weren't leaving, I had to figure out how to tell them their dad wasn't going to be home. I was upset and sad for me for a bit. Then I had this feeling that I needed to buck it up. I need to be my boys' mom. They needed me. I was sad for them. We laid in my bed and talked and read and fell asleep. I was up all night thinking and praying. I came to a conclusion. I need to stop caring. As soon as I decided that I felt so much peace and was able to spend my night for me and not worrying abo...

he lost again. he left me for 7 hours. I was bugged and hurt. but i didn't cry. i didn't let it affect me. i read scriptures with my boys, had prayer, read books, and put them to bed. then i sat up and wondered what i'm supposed to do. i prayed, i pondered, i listened to soothing music i feel like the more he does this to me the farther i pull away and eventually it'll just die and the only option will be to go our seperate ways. i feel good about that conclusion. i don't love it. i dont' love that this is my life. all i want is for my man to love me, to cherish me, and to want me and only me. i want to be the only woman he's ever looked at or shared intimate moments with. i've worked so hard this past few months to gain a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. i have learned so much about myself and about the Spirit and about the love my Savior has for me. but none of that helps for the few days or weeks after a bad lost battle. i went to do my ha...

Our counselor, Maurice , suggested my husband and I blog together or each have a blog. We decided to each have our own. So, my man started a blog this morning. We're hoping that through our blogs other people can find help and hope. We have been on this journey for 6 years. Some times are better than others. Sometimes I'm not sure we're going to make it to celebrate another anniversary with him. But, I follow my heart and the Spirit and do what I feel is best for ME right now. We're still married, we're still fighting and we will win! Together we can make our lives better. I wish men, those still single and those who are married, could understand, really understand, that when you bring this addiction into a marriage you are affecting a whole family and your wife is there to be part of your team. I love when my man is honest with me, when he tells me he's tempted and needs help, when he asks me to take him to work so there isn't a temptation to go somewhere ...