how was your day?

My sister texts me every night and asks how my day was.
She texts/calls multiple times a day and it's starting to wear on me.
She wants to know if she should buy a red shirt or the black shirt, to tell me about how irritated she is that her husband brought her breakfast in bed and he should've known she doesn't like cream cheese on her bagel, that a girl in her ward is stand offish even when my sister is nice to her....on and on and on.
I don't care! I don't care about the shirt! I don't care that your biggest fight with your husband is over cream cheese! I don't care that a girl is stand offish...maybe her husband cheated on her and she's trying to deal with it!
So, every night when she asks about my day I tell her what she wants to hear.
but what I really want to say is:
you have no idea! I'm still struggling with my self image. Because of my husbands addiction and things he's said to me...I don't see myself as an attractive woman. I hate that every day my man's home late or won't let me look at his phone I have to worry about my marriage...my future. I am tired. Tired because I'm standing with my man and together we're fighitng his addiction to porn and sometimes he lies and sometimes he messes up and it's a roller coaster. And sometimes I'm mean and rude to people around me because I just can't take it anymore. And I KNOW that my Heavenly Father is guiding me and I know that I'm doing what He wants me to be doing, but it's all so tiring. I have to protect myself and that's a job my man's supposed to fulfill, but right now he can't, so I have to. And, I'm tired and I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear about your shirt dilemna or your teeny tiny fight with your husband or about the girl who wasn't super nice. I'm tired and I'm going to bed so I have energy to fight again tomorrow!

Comments

Marci said…
Hey girl,
I'm so glad it was you sitting in Maurice's office when I opened the door to leave and was freaking out!!! I'm sorry I was anything but cordial. I knew you would understand. It is rough to sit in the corner of my couch and not be talked to unless they need clarification. I already feel like a piece of crap. I don't need to go there and be validated that I am. Thanks for knowing what living with porn addict feels like. I know I'm not alone. Thanks for your blog!
August 19, 2010 at 3:46 PM
hope said…
hey, mom!!!
I totally understand and I hope you know I was NOT offended at all. I hate sessions like that. You heard about my session where I got my purse and used it to beat my husband a bit? Yep, it was lovely...then I ran out slamming the door and went back in even more pissed. So, really, I get it! I hate the hurt the men in our lives have put us through. I'm so sorry you're hurting. We need to chat. We should do lunch or pie...I LOVE pie:) Email me.....pornaddictswife@gmail.com
You are NOT a piece of crap. NOT at all. For any reason. YOU have done nothing wrong!!!!! You are beautiful and strong and you will make it through! I know you will. Hang in there!
HUGS
August 19, 2010 at 7:33 PM
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