gone

My man's gone! I don't know where he is, but he's not here and he's not with me. He's been doing this a lot lately. He blames me! He blames me for not trusting him and for being hurt and for questioning him. So he leaves. He leaves and calls other women and doesn't come home for hours and hours and hours and hours. Sometimes it's up to 8 hours. And I hurt! I hurt so bad! It's hurt that no one could explain and you couldn't understand unless you've been through it. I'm afraid to share my feelings with him. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm afraid of sharing things with him. Because he'll leave. Then, I'll load my boys in the car and I'll search for him. I search for him and beg him to choose me and come back! And I still hurt! I hurt more than I EVER thought possible. I cry and cry and throw up and shake and can't control it! And when he comes back I welcome him. I am a mess! I know I need to buck it up and kick him out and move on. But I can't! I love him. NO! I love the man he used to be. For 6 years this addiction hasn't defined who he is and he's been a good dad and a good husband. The past couple weeks have been hell. He hasn't been helpful, he hasn't been pleasant. He's been mean to the boys, he's been VERY mean to me. I used to stay because this addiction didn't define who he was. It was an addiction and nothing more. Something he struggled with and needed to overcome. NOW, I beleive it's who he is! And here I am 5 months pregnant wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do! Wondering why he didn't fight harder for me! Wondering if I'm supposed to keep this baby I don't want or give it up for adoption. Wondering what I'm supposed to do to support my boys. Wondering if it's going to make my 3 year olds anxiety really bad again. Am I supposed to stay with him for the boys or am I supposed to leave? This is NOT supposed to be my life!
He left tonight and my 3 year old was asleep. My 5 year old and I were having dinner and he asked me if I'm happier when daddy's gone! It broke my heart. I told him no and that I love his dad, but he's made some choices that make it so he can't be with us. He asked me if he did something to make daddy want to leave. My heart broke again. I, of course, said no and told him that sometimes adults are really selfish and make the wrong choices. I asked him if he was happier when dad was gone. He said, "no. I love my dad. I want to be like him. I like to spend time with him. But he hasn't been very nice yesterday and the yesterday before. He doesn't like to be with our family." My poor boy! What am I supposed to do? No matter what decision I make right now, it's going to affect my boys!
My boys and I had a good night. It was peaceful and fun. We stayed up and snuggled and watched Christmas movies. We had prayer and read scriptures and then the boys fell asleep. There was no yelling, no fighting, no chaos. NOw, the boys are in bed, the house is quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts. I'm ALONE! Why doesn't he want me? Why wasn't I worth fighting for? Why does this have to hurt so much? I've forgiven him over and over and over! Why doesn't he chase me? Why doesn't he beg for me to stay? Why? WHY!? Why do I cry all the time? WHy do I still love him!?

Comments

Marci said…
My heart is breaking for you. I don't know your pain, but I sympathize. Please call ANYTIME! I'll even bring the pie!:) Take care. I love you!!!
December 11, 2010 at 7:52 PM
Anonymous said…
I'm here. I just found you today. I'm going through this, too. 10 and 1/2 years. My heart broke when you said you had a good night, peaceful, fun, no chaos, no yelling, no fighting. You described our home exactly, when my husband is not home. It's been so long that what I hate more than anything else is the spirit he brings home when he's been participating in his addiction. Your blog is a blessing to me, and I'm so grateful you've shared it with all of us.
April 8, 2011 at 6:18 PM
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