Together (ness)

As mentioned in a previous post about The Togetherness Project we were all given necklaces with the logo from The Togetherness Project on them.  I loved mine, but wasn't sure I'd really wear it because I wasn't sure what'd I'd tell people if they asked about it.  But, I put it on that night while we were having dinner.  I slept with it on.  I wore it Sunday and then I took it off Monday to shower (yeah, I know, I should shower more often).  Then something happened.  I realized that many times throughout the day I went to feel the pendant and it wasn't there.  It felt like my wedding ring used to feel....I felt so lost without my necklace on.  So I went and put it on and I realized that since Saturday it has become part of me because I am not alone.  There are other women...women who are brave and amazing and beautiful...who know my secret.  This secret that I am the wife of  a porn addict.  They understand what it's like to question your husband and to check his phone a million times every hour and to wonder if he really went to work or if he was at a strip club.  They get that and they know that I'm normal and that I will be okay.  THEY GET ME!  I didn't ever think I would be so attached to a piece of jewelry like I was attached to my wedding ring.  I LOVE my necklace.
But, the story gets better.  You see, my husband has given up.  About 2 weeks ago I knew, but I didn't know what to do.  At The Togetherness Project April Day from eat my scabs (click on her link on the side of my blog) talked about being brave.  I thought about bravery and courage all day Sunday and Monday.  How could I pick up the phone and tell my dad that I was ready to leave, but this time I really meant it and wouldn't back out?  Was I brave enough to really leave?  Was I brave enough to turn my life and my 3 boys lives upside down?  I just kept thinking BE BRAVE! BE BRAVE! BE BRAVE!
And then, Monday night, my sister called me.  She said, "ummm...I have something to tell you." and then she went on about something unimportant, but her voice was shaky and I KNEW she was lying!  We hung up and she called back.  "Okay, I lied!"  She told me that my husband had a facebook account that was not good.  There was a naked picture of himself and there were whores as his friends and he was saying things that included words like horny, f*#k, etc.  I told her I already knew.  I found out the day he created it and I told him I knew about it and I warned him of someone he knew finding out.  Neither of us ever thought it would be my sister AND my parents.
Well, I told my sister I knew about it and that I was sorry she had to see it.  She asked if I was okay.  I told her I'd had quite the life with a porn addict husband and I was okay.  She wasn't.  She was worried and sad and heart broken for me.
I told my husband.  He told me to them he was hacked.
I told him it was too late.
He called me a bitch and was mad at me for not protecting him.
I held onto my Togetherness necklace and I said, "I'm done.  I will make arrangements to move."
He told me to be gone by the end of the week and continued on about how I hadn't protected him.
I AM BRAVE!
I DID IT!
I am packed, I have told my kids, my closest friends, my family, and my church people.  I have made arrangements with the new school and scouts and have started a list of things I want to do that I never did while married to an addict.

About The Togetherness Project logo (necklace)

The mark in the logo represents growth, blossoming and light.  If you'll notice, it points to the letters "her" in the word Togetherness.  This symbolizes those specific qualities coming from and extending from her.

I feel like as I held onto my necklace I had an army of women who were holding me up and telling me to be brave and telling me that I could do this!  Thank you, ladies.  I love you all, but I am so sorry we are all a part of this hell our men have placed us in!

I am starting a new journey.  I am going to grow and blossom and fill my life with light.

I am ready!