jammies

he lost again. he left me for 7 hours. I was bugged and hurt. but i didn't cry. i didn't let it affect me. i read scriptures with my boys, had prayer, read books, and put them to bed. then i sat up and wondered what i'm supposed to do. i prayed, i pondered, i listened to soothing music i feel like the more he does this to me the farther i pull away and eventually it'll just die and the only option will be to go our seperate ways. i feel good about that conclusion. i don't love it. i dont' love that this is my life. all i want is for my man to love me, to cherish me, and to want me and only me. i want to be the only woman he's ever looked at or shared intimate moments with. i've worked so hard this past few months to gain a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. i have learned so much about myself and about the Spirit and about the love my Savior has for me. but none of that helps for the few days or weeks after a bad lost battle. i went to do my hair and looked in the mirror in disgust. i ended up putting my hair in an ugly ponytil and pinning my bangs back. why try? i'll never compare to what he looks at. i'll never be pretty. i'm chubby, freckly, my hair is flat and i wear glasses. so, today, i hung out in my jammies with my ugly ponytail and no make up. we'll see what tomorrow brings. maybe I'll hang out in my jammies with my ugly ponytail and a fake smile on my face....that'd be a step up :) i wish i could beleive that i am worth something. it'll come back to me. it just takes so much time!

Comments

Anonymous said…
i am leaving my SA after 10 years and i have children with him. I am done he lied so many times and I believed him , i never will take him back i would rather be alone.....thank you for writing it takes a lot to do this.
April 16, 2011 at 12:03 PM
J said…
Anonymous....

It also takes ALOT to do what you are doing and don't think anything less! I admire any woman who can leave a Sex Addict husband or who can endure trying to salvage a marriage with one.

Once my SA husband's dual life was exposed, I tried my damnedest. I wanted so terribly to stand by him and 'fight' for our marriage. But for me, it was unsalvageable. Hang in there... you will get through this!

Hope-

You know I love you. YOU deserve the very best whatever that may be for you! I know it's hard! I admire you strength and courage. No one can ever comprehend what you've experienced unless they experienced themselves. We (anonymous and myself) know first hand... YOU ARE STRONG! YOU ARE BRAVE! YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!!

Miss seeing your beautiful face!

I. Love. You.
April 16, 2011 at 7:16 PM
Anonymous said…
I stumbled upon your blog and it broke my heart. I knew about my husband's addiction before we got married and I chose to stand beside him because I knew that through the power of the atonement he could be healed. We've been married for 3 year and we're almost to a year of being clean. Throughout his recovery I have seen the hand of God working miracles in his life. It hasn't been until recently that I have seen how God was working miracles in my own life as well. It is a miracle that I didn't leave him. It was a miracle that I have endured all that I have. Sometimes I felt like I was on the brink of loosing it, I come to realize that without divine help I probably would have.

I encourage you to look for the miracles in your life. I promise you that the Lord is there for you. He is succoring you even as he has and is succoring me. You have been blessed with the ability to receive divine inspiration for your family. Through the Lord you can see that inspiration work for your good.
I'm not saying it's easy. Its a hard, horrible battle! I wish I could give you a hug and take you out to lunch :)
So from a complete and totally stranger know that you are loved and prayed for.
June 3, 2011 at 8:04 AM
Wife A said…
You don't deserve this but it unfortunately is in your life. You will and probably are already a better person because of it. You are an amazing woman and mother to be dealing with this. We are not given any trials that we cannot handle. I wish so badly this wasn't a part of my life and my kids but it is. Every day is different, some better than others. You can do this. Heavenly Father loves you and he will bless you. Protect your precious boys from this rampant filth in the world. Teach them to come to you that they can trust you. Your love for them is the most important thing in this world. Good luck to you, I hope today is a good day. I was recently informed about my husbands problem and every day is an adventure. Heavenly Father loves you and is more aware than you know. Good luck. www.wiveshelpingwives.blogspot.com
July 11, 2011 at 8:29 AM
Shaunie said…
Ready for more...you inspire me. Leave him...you are worth more...please know this.
August 18, 2011 at 7:51 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

fighting

He's fighting. I just talked to him and asked why. He told me he deosn't want to lose his family. He wants to be home with us. I've never been this....withdrawn and angry. I am so hurt. The things he's said and done to me...I don't know if I can forgive. I don't trust him. But, he's fighthing. He calls me every morning and every night. He stops by to see the kids. He's 7 days clean. I'm not about to let him move home or be too quick to forgive, but he's fighting! I will be honest....I wasn't sure he'd choose me. I'm still not sure, as time goes by, that he'll keep fighting and choose me. But, for now, he's fighting and winning and choosing me. And I'm still being cautious. I'm still struggling to trust him and i know it will come with time....unless he messes up again.
Read more

hell

long story short: my man got a new phone. i installed net nanny on it. he uninstalled it. he left for 8 hours to get his fix and came home. for 2 weeks he was ALL addict. he locked me out of the room while he did his video chatting and porn watching. i sat in the front room ALONE and hurting so bad. on our way out the door for church without my man and he locked me out of the bathroom. i told him it was time for him to leave. forever. he laughed at me like i was kidding. i went crazy. not my finest moment. definately not proud of what followed. especially since my children were home. i kicked the door down. i broke it. i pushed my man into the bathtub. i used the plunger and plunged his face. then i used the handle to hit him. i got out 8 years of hurting. i know it was wrong and i know it can't happen again, but it felt good. i got my boys in the car and we were leaving for the night so my man could see i was serious. the cops came. i got a citation for domestic violence, domestic...
Read more

i am a pioneer woman.

my man did great for so long. Life was good. We were happy. I was trusting him again...mostly. We weren't fighting. I was feeling like I was really worth something to him again. I liked it! I felt like we were going to live happily ever after. Then, we were planning to leave town. The boys and I were outside waiting for my man to get home. We had all our stuff outside. He promised to be home in 15 minutes. 9 hours later he made it. I had to tell my boys we weren't leaving, I had to figure out how to tell them their dad wasn't going to be home. I was upset and sad for me for a bit. Then I had this feeling that I needed to buck it up. I need to be my boys' mom. They needed me. I was sad for them. We laid in my bed and talked and read and fell asleep. I was up all night thinking and praying. I came to a conclusion. I need to stop caring. As soon as I decided that I felt so much peace and was able to spend my night for me and not worrying abo...
Read more