hell
long story short:
my man got a new phone.
i installed net nanny on it.
he uninstalled it.
he left for 8 hours to get his fix and came home.
for 2 weeks he was ALL addict.
he locked me out of the room while he did his video chatting and porn watching.
i sat in the front room ALONE and hurting so bad.
on our way out the door for church without my man and he locked me out of the bathroom.
i told him it was time for him to leave. forever.
he laughed at me like i was kidding.
i went crazy.
not my finest moment.
definately not proud of what followed.
especially since my children were home.
i kicked the door down.
i broke it.
i pushed my man into the bathtub.
i used the plunger and plunged his face.
then i used the handle to hit him.
i got out 8 years of hurting.
i know it was wrong and i know it can't happen again, but it felt good.
i got my boys in the car and we were leaving for the night so my man could see i was serious.
the cops came.
i got a citation for domestic violence, domestic violence in the presence of a child, and criminal mischeif...all class B misdemeanors.
found out later the reason i didn't go to jail that night was because my man told the police that our boys were better off with me than him.
my man is now gone.
he is living with grandparents.
we told his parents.
they were mad at us for deceiving us and pretending things were fine and then went on to tell us that my man could NOT, under any circumstances stay with his grandparents.
after a long discussion about my man and i doing what is best and his parents saying my man needs to pay the natural consequences i told them the natural consequence is divorce and that i'd like to do a 6 month seperation so i can say i gave it my all.
they told me that if i was choosing divorce that was what the consequence needed to be.
i asked them to leave and didn't let them say anything else.
i haven't talked to them since.
my man has been gone 2 days adn still has 0 days clean.
i think i know what is going to happen in 6 month.
i'm not excited.
i'm hurt.
hurting for me, but mostly for my boys.
my 4 year old drew a picture of how he feels and it's a stick figure with a million tears and a frown.
it broke my heart.
my 7 year old cried to me for 45 minutes tonight and talked about how he can't focus in school, he has a tummy ache and he's sad his dad isn't making right choices.
it broke my heart.
both my boys needed to talk, so we stayed up late and had a good talk and a good cry.
it breaks my heart that my man is choosing to destoy 3 little peoples lives.
i know they'll make it and they'll be fine.
but it's so sad to watch them go through this.
i'm lonely.
i hate not having anyone to talk to about my day and the dumb little cute things my boys do.
i hate that i've given this man 8 years of my life, my heart, my trust, memories, and forgiveness and he is throwing it all away.
pornography is evil. it's addictive. and i wish i could shout at every young man to never look at it. it destroys lives. it breaks hearts. it puts too many people through hell
sorry my long story didn't stay short.
my man got a new phone.
i installed net nanny on it.
he uninstalled it.
he left for 8 hours to get his fix and came home.
for 2 weeks he was ALL addict.
he locked me out of the room while he did his video chatting and porn watching.
i sat in the front room ALONE and hurting so bad.
on our way out the door for church without my man and he locked me out of the bathroom.
i told him it was time for him to leave. forever.
he laughed at me like i was kidding.
i went crazy.
not my finest moment.
definately not proud of what followed.
especially since my children were home.
i kicked the door down.
i broke it.
i pushed my man into the bathtub.
i used the plunger and plunged his face.
then i used the handle to hit him.
i got out 8 years of hurting.
i know it was wrong and i know it can't happen again, but it felt good.
i got my boys in the car and we were leaving for the night so my man could see i was serious.
the cops came.
i got a citation for domestic violence, domestic violence in the presence of a child, and criminal mischeif...all class B misdemeanors.
found out later the reason i didn't go to jail that night was because my man told the police that our boys were better off with me than him.
my man is now gone.
he is living with grandparents.
we told his parents.
they were mad at us for deceiving us and pretending things were fine and then went on to tell us that my man could NOT, under any circumstances stay with his grandparents.
after a long discussion about my man and i doing what is best and his parents saying my man needs to pay the natural consequences i told them the natural consequence is divorce and that i'd like to do a 6 month seperation so i can say i gave it my all.
they told me that if i was choosing divorce that was what the consequence needed to be.
i asked them to leave and didn't let them say anything else.
i haven't talked to them since.
my man has been gone 2 days adn still has 0 days clean.
i think i know what is going to happen in 6 month.
i'm not excited.
i'm hurt.
hurting for me, but mostly for my boys.
my 4 year old drew a picture of how he feels and it's a stick figure with a million tears and a frown.
it broke my heart.
my 7 year old cried to me for 45 minutes tonight and talked about how he can't focus in school, he has a tummy ache and he's sad his dad isn't making right choices.
it broke my heart.
both my boys needed to talk, so we stayed up late and had a good talk and a good cry.
it breaks my heart that my man is choosing to destoy 3 little peoples lives.
i know they'll make it and they'll be fine.
but it's so sad to watch them go through this.
i'm lonely.
i hate not having anyone to talk to about my day and the dumb little cute things my boys do.
i hate that i've given this man 8 years of my life, my heart, my trust, memories, and forgiveness and he is throwing it all away.
pornography is evil. it's addictive. and i wish i could shout at every young man to never look at it. it destroys lives. it breaks hearts. it puts too many people through hell
sorry my long story didn't stay short.
Comments
They dont get it. From reading your blog it seems like you've given a lot. And there is no shame or judgement for walking away. I'm sorry and i'm here for u.
It kills me too...whenever my children feel pain from my husbands decisions. Its heartbreaking and they are too lost and selfish to care who they hurt.
And I just have to ask, his parents are angry you didn't share his porn addiction with them??
Thinking and praying for you! YOU CAN DO THIS!
I love you!
I wish you the best. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Sending love.
I read your blog and felt your pain. Thank you for sharing and being real. Thank you for letting ALL of us know we are not alone. Those boys of yours have an awesome mom. I'm so glad they have a mom who will cuddle them and let them cry when they need to. Keep your chin up for them. I remember about five years ago when my first daughter was just a tiny baby and the whole porn thing was coming out. I cried and cried and tried to tell her, "I'm so sorry I didn't find the best dad for you. I did the best I could. I really tried. I thought he would be a good dad. I tried my best!" Now years later, we continue to struggle and she is too old for me to cry to her. The whole issue would be so much simpler if we didn't have these innocent babes in balance. I like to remember something a friend said, "I believe that God will consecrate these trials for my children's benefit." It is my prayer as well. Hang in there friend.