sticks and stones

How do you heal from the horrible things the addict in your life has said to you?
How do you get those thoughts out of your head?

I am struggling with this.
My (still unsure what to call him because he is my husband, but we're really just room mates).  Maybe I'll call him Despair.  Anyway, HE was taking care of business in the bedroom.  I have this 6th sense and I always know when he's doing something he shouldn't.  So I went into the room, turned the light on and very calmly and politley asked if he'd like some candles lit or some nice romantic music. Or maybe he'd like to paint his fingernails so it was more like love from a woman.  He was SO mad at me and told me to leave and told me I was crazy and that he wasn't doing anything. 
 I said, "what do you fantasize about anyway? Real stuff or the fake lies?" 
 he said, "It's DEFINATELY not you!"
So for days that's all I heard in my head.  All day and all night.  That's all. I couldn't get it out of my head.  

Now it shares space with this new idea:
Despair/HE told me that his addiction would be cured if I was skinny.  It wasn't said out of anger or retaliation.  He's serious.  And then he added, "men are visual."  So, now these 2 ideas are sharing the space in my head and I can NOT figure out how to make them leave or if I even want them to leave.  It's almost like now that these things have been said I am looking for validation that they're true.  How do you just get rid of these hurtful things?

Comments

Scabs said…
paint his nails!!! lol I'm dying that is so funny!

he's lying to himself and now he's lying to you. guaranteed if you were the skinniest of the skinny it wouldn't do a damn thing for his addiction.

But i get that it's painful.
October 21, 2013 at 9:07 PM
Tracey said…
They are not true. I always go back to the beginning of the 12 steps when I can't get something out of my head.
October 23, 2013 at 9:20 PM
Amanda said…
"Paint your nails" had me cracking up, too! Good for you!

Trust me, he's just blowing smoke. I'm a size 6 and my husband cheated on me. I could let myself feel bad for not being a size 2 but, really, my weight loss (or gain) didn't force him to act inappropriately. It's about something damaged inside your husband, not about you.

I'm sorry he said something so hateful and I hope in time you can get the residue of his venom out of your head and heart.
November 3, 2013 at 4:46 PM
Anonymous said…
That is just an excuse he is making for his behavior. It has nothing to do with what you look like. Not to sound full of myself or anything, I am a size 2, love working out, and get compliments about my looks very often. My husband admits I am so gorgeous and better looking than the women he lusts after. I see it is not me, it is him. Even if I have the perfect figure, it will never be good enough. They always want to see more, even if it is not better. I hope this helps. But, please do NOT let him get to you. No matter what you look like, it will not change him!
November 3, 2013 at 5:43 PM
Anonymous said…
Oh, hon. I don't know you, but I know how those feelings can hurt so much.

I realized something one day: men with beautiful wives (Tiger Woods, Hollywood movie stars) have affairs all the time. Why? What's better than a Swedish model?? :) And then I realized, it truly is not about you. No matter what you look like, it wouldn't change him. Porn addiction doesn't stop when he gets a girlfriend, or when he gets married, or when his wife gets a boob job, or when his wife loses 20 lbs. Because porn addiction is not about you.

It's not about you.

When I finally realized this, it set me free. My heart was light, I knew who I was, and I was set free. I hope you will realize this too, and love yourself as you deserve. :)
November 5, 2013 at 4:34 PM
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