me.
Well, it's been 25 days. It's almost been a month since we separated.
It's been good.
There have been some rough times.
I cry.
Things set me off and I get really sad for the life I thought we had. We had a lot of fun times together. A lot of fun as a family. I loved him. When we talk on the phone it's weird not telling him I love him. I do love him, but it's a different kind of love. I care for him and I feel sad for him. I have already hated him...I've gone through the angry stage (see the post about the plunger). I am just sad for him.
But, I miss what should've been. What could've been if he'd have worked harder and fought harder and CHOSEN me!
I really struggle with this question:
Why didn't he choose me? Will I ever be worth choosing to anyone?
As I work through my emotions I have discovered that this healing stuff really sucks! But, it's worth it because those moments are rare.
Mostly I'm happy, or at least working to become happy.
Life is about me (and my boys, of course), but so much about me.
My parents have been amazing!
They are supporting me and my boys and they are treating me like an adult and letting me be the parent, but helping me so much so that my burden is lighter. I'm home all day cleaning and making dinner and running errands for my parents. I'm with my baby. I'm here with my boys when they get home. We have dinner as a family. There is no fighting, no yelling, no stress. This is the kind of home I've always wanted my boys to be raised in.
My dad does things with my boys, asks about school, helps with homework, works in their scout books. He lets them stay up late to watch stupid shows like The Amazing Race. He is worthy at all times to give them blessings and they have taken full advantage of that.
My moms heart is bad. It hasn't gotten any better. It functions at 30% and she is tired when she gets home from work. I make dinner and clean the house for her! It is a great deal for both of us.....she doesn't have to do those things and I get free room and board for 4 :) She helps with homework, talks to the boys, gives them money for book orders, treats, projects. She reads to them every single night and LOVES it...it's a sacrifice to her because it takes 30 minutes and she has to be in bed at 8:30.
Neither of my parents ever complain.
They have taken us in and have paid for everything....food, eye exams, glasses, school pictures, book orders, etc.
They pay for me to go to the gym. I go every night at the same time. I turn the monitor on and my dad listens for my baby while I'm gone.
I go to church activities, I went to a movie with my mom and sister, I could go out whenever I wanted and my parents would take care of my boys.
The best part......I don't worry. I don't get anxiety while I'm out knowing that the person at home is looking at porn or calling sex lines or has locked himself in his room to take care of himself. I don't get mad when I get home because the house is a disaster and he didn't even put 1 dish in the sink like I asked. I don't cry and get hurt because he was stoned while I was gone. I don't get my feelings hurt because he is mean to me.
I come home now and my dad has done the dishes, the boys are in their jammies and everyone is watching a movie quietly. Everyone helps out to make life easier for everyone else. This is how it's supposed to be.
I spend my time writing in my journal, reading uplifting books, working on projects I've had no interest in the past year.
I laugh so much more. I am more patient with my kids. I feel so much peace. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe again.
I am feeling good!
It's been good.
There have been some rough times.
I cry.
Things set me off and I get really sad for the life I thought we had. We had a lot of fun times together. A lot of fun as a family. I loved him. When we talk on the phone it's weird not telling him I love him. I do love him, but it's a different kind of love. I care for him and I feel sad for him. I have already hated him...I've gone through the angry stage (see the post about the plunger). I am just sad for him.
But, I miss what should've been. What could've been if he'd have worked harder and fought harder and CHOSEN me!
I really struggle with this question:
Why didn't he choose me? Will I ever be worth choosing to anyone?
As I work through my emotions I have discovered that this healing stuff really sucks! But, it's worth it because those moments are rare.
Mostly I'm happy, or at least working to become happy.
Life is about me (and my boys, of course), but so much about me.
My parents have been amazing!
They are supporting me and my boys and they are treating me like an adult and letting me be the parent, but helping me so much so that my burden is lighter. I'm home all day cleaning and making dinner and running errands for my parents. I'm with my baby. I'm here with my boys when they get home. We have dinner as a family. There is no fighting, no yelling, no stress. This is the kind of home I've always wanted my boys to be raised in.
My dad does things with my boys, asks about school, helps with homework, works in their scout books. He lets them stay up late to watch stupid shows like The Amazing Race. He is worthy at all times to give them blessings and they have taken full advantage of that.
My moms heart is bad. It hasn't gotten any better. It functions at 30% and she is tired when she gets home from work. I make dinner and clean the house for her! It is a great deal for both of us.....she doesn't have to do those things and I get free room and board for 4 :) She helps with homework, talks to the boys, gives them money for book orders, treats, projects. She reads to them every single night and LOVES it...it's a sacrifice to her because it takes 30 minutes and she has to be in bed at 8:30.
Neither of my parents ever complain.
They have taken us in and have paid for everything....food, eye exams, glasses, school pictures, book orders, etc.
They pay for me to go to the gym. I go every night at the same time. I turn the monitor on and my dad listens for my baby while I'm gone.
I go to church activities, I went to a movie with my mom and sister, I could go out whenever I wanted and my parents would take care of my boys.
The best part......I don't worry. I don't get anxiety while I'm out knowing that the person at home is looking at porn or calling sex lines or has locked himself in his room to take care of himself. I don't get mad when I get home because the house is a disaster and he didn't even put 1 dish in the sink like I asked. I don't cry and get hurt because he was stoned while I was gone. I don't get my feelings hurt because he is mean to me.
I come home now and my dad has done the dishes, the boys are in their jammies and everyone is watching a movie quietly. Everyone helps out to make life easier for everyone else. This is how it's supposed to be.
I spend my time writing in my journal, reading uplifting books, working on projects I've had no interest in the past year.
I laugh so much more. I am more patient with my kids. I feel so much peace. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe again.
I am feeling good!
Comments
It is so wonderful that you are doing things to take care of you. You deserve to be in a marriage where you are loved and respected, simply because you are willing to offer that same love and respect in return. That in itself means you deserve to be chosen-- never mind all of the other aspects of you that are so good.