"I wanna see you be brave"

I left my man last night. I caught him lying, I had proof and he still lied. So, I left. I don't know how I finally got to that point. I had to be ready for it. you can't leave before you're ready. And everyone's time is different. It wasn't pretty. There was lots of yelling, hitting, breaking wedding pictures, and blaming. My man left and I gathered a few random items, threw them in a bin and got my boys in the car and we were off. Headed for a 2 hour drive to my parents house. I was on the road and I called my man about 500 times to talk and to try 1 more time to get him to realize that he's being dumb and needs to do better. Then, I called to have him meet me at home so we could sit down and talk. Then, I drove all over the city looking in strip club parking lots, porn shop parking lots, etc when I realized I was being pathetic. I AM PATHETIC!!!! It reminded me of a part of MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING where the bride is running and the groom is running a...

Do I have to do this forever? I wish it would end. I wish I could have something normal. Is there normal? Is there a happily ever after? I want this to be over. I just want him to fight his butt off and get this out of our lives!

Over the past 6 years, through all this crap, I feel like I have to remind myself that I've already learned something! I had some ah-ha moments this week and it was great! I feel good. I feel like we're moving forward. He's being honest. Even when he messes up (loses a battle) he's telling me and we're able to work together. My biggest ah-ha this week was that I have to rely on God. Our counselor put this on his blog and I love it. When my man isn't following God and isn't leading our family in righteousness then I have to leave him behind and hope he catches up. But I can't force him. I can't drag him to the celestial kingdom! I will get there! I will stand blameless before God. I will work hard to teach and guide my children so they will be there with me. I will invite my man to join us in our journey to the celestial kingdom, but it will be up to him. It's kind of scary because I want him to want me and I don't want to be alo...

I find it therapeutic to say a few naughty words when I'm angry. So, excuse me for any naughty's you may come across in this post. I'm a little on the angry side. Counseling today. 2 hours!!!! An hour for me and an hour for my man. It was hell. I found that my man has been lying to me. We made an agreement...for every day clean he gets a little somethin' and I won't complain. So, for 3 days he told me he was clean and I gave him what he wanted...even a little somethin' extra! Day 3....my gut told me he was lying. He SWORE he was being honest. In counseling today I found that he's been lying to me for the whole 3 days. I was angry. no, I was LIVID! I beat him, punched him, threw my purse at him, pinched and left. Then I walked back in for more. He left and I had a chat with our counselor. My stomach has been in knots ever since. I understand how women can physically hurt their men...I get it now! I really do! To be hurt this much by the person who is supposed...

We've been in this area for 3 years and have been in the same ward the entire time. I've struggled trying to find my place and making friends, but I think I've finally found it. I've met some great people, been given opportunities to serve those around me, and have fallen in love with this area and with my ward. I am surrounded by good, strong, amazing women. Yesterday I spent my day being surrounded by them. They will never know how much I needed them. M knows that my man and I are having problems because of some poor choices he's made and she's amazing. She's like a sister and doesn't ask questions beyond "how are you?" and "what can I do to lighten your burden?" She really is great. She came and spent some time with me yesterday as my boys and I were hanging out by the pool. We talked about craft projects, talked about 1 person who is prying and driving me bonkers. J is my visiting teacher and not someone I would've been...

Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

Broken ~lifehouse~ The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken hear that's still beating in the pain there is healing in your name I find meaning The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes that are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life. I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating In the pain there's the healing in your name I find meaning so I'm holdin' on I'm barely holdin on to you. I'm hanging on another day just to se what you will throw my way And I'm haning on to the words you say you siad that I would be oka The broken lig...

Our counselor is amazing! He is inspired. Through my 6 year journey I have done a lot of reading/research about porn/sex addiction. I get it! I finally get it! BUT, that doesn't make it any easier to live with it and sometimes I still forget. Pornography IS an addiction. It affects the brain. It's real. It isn't MY fault. If I was skinny we'd still be here, if I was better in bed...we'd still be here. NO matter what, we'd still be here because my man is addicted. This article is amazing! My previous posts PROVE that I forget this sometimes. Our counselor put it differently. A way that is easier for me to understand. When men are stoned (this happens for porn addicts as well) they become like animals. So, when my man hired a hooker his animal brain took over. When animals mate they don't court, they don't have a relationship. They want a little lovin', then get it and then they go on with their day. The hooker was a business transaction. He doesn...

he said, "she's perfect in ever way, but let's face it. Skinny women are more attractive." Thanks! and, did you know that fit men are more attractive? and that men who respect their women are more attractive?

I HATE THIS! Today I hate my life. Today I officially have hit bottom. I hate it! I hate it all! I want it to be over. How the hell can he tell me he loves me and wants me and in the same sentence be okay with me changing into what he wants? How? And now I have this internal conflict. Oh, lately I've had many internal conflicts, but this one is hard. Wait! They're all hard! This one....I don't know. He wants me to lose weight. He wants me to have long hair. Blonde highlights would look nice. OH, so would nails. He wants me to wear dark makeup. Once I do lose weight then I need to wear nicer, trendier, sexier clothes. I hate even writing all of this. It seems like the conflict would be an easy one to resolve, but it's not. I'd LOVE to grow my hair out, get highlights, get my nails done every 2 weeks, and spend TONS of money on hot clothes. I would! Who wouldn't like to feel sexier and prettier? BUT, we don't have the money! The money we hav...

Last night my man told me he'd come home if I'd lose weight. Yes, I'm overweight and yes, I need to lose weight. But, how can that be a stipulation on him coming home? FOR REAL!? I've forgiven him over and over and over and have been more than supportive of his 'rehab' and have tried so hard to lighten his burden and do all I can for him. AND he's telling me to lose weight?! He's taken my happily-ever-after and destroyed it, he broke sacred covenants, he made a choice that left me and our boys without the preisthood in our home and he won't come home unless I lose weight?! As ridiculous as it is I agreed! Why?! Because I don't want to be alone. Because I don't want to go to work. Because I don't want my boys in daycare. Because somewhere in there is the man I married, the one who really loves ME, who is nice and kind and loving. He's in there! I know he is! That's why I keep forgiving him. How many times do I have t...

My man and I had been married for 4 months and I'd just found out I was pregnant! Life was good and I was so happy. THEN, I discovered porn on our computer. We chatted and went to counseling. His use was on and off for a bit. Then, he went a year, a WHOLE YEAR without anything! It was heavenly! What I would give to have that year back. We moved and that move triggered something in him. His addiction was back and it was bad. August will be 3 years without any huge break in my man's use. It's been rough. I've hated it! I'm not a fan of being the wife of a porn addict. But I've learned a lot. In October or November of 2009 he used a WHOLE paycheck for porn! My 2 sweet boys and I were left without any way of buying food, paying rent, etc. He DID take care of it and got us what we needed... and I kicked him out. He was gone for a month. It was a horrible month. I missed him so much. He's not a bad person and that's what's so irritating. ...