men are like animals.

Our counselor is amazing!

He is inspired.

Through my 6 year journey I have done a lot of reading/research about porn/sex addiction. I get it! I finally get it! BUT, that doesn't make it any easier to live with it and sometimes I still forget.

Pornography IS an addiction. It affects the brain. It's real. It isn't MY fault. If I was skinny we'd still be here, if I was better in bed...we'd still be here. NO matter what, we'd still be here because my man is addicted. This article is amazing! My previous posts PROVE that I forget this sometimes.

Our counselor put it differently. A way that is easier for me to understand. When men are stoned (this happens for porn addicts as well) they become like animals. So, when my man hired a hooker his animal brain took over. When animals mate they don't court, they don't have a relationship. They want a little lovin', then get it and then they go on with their day. The hooker was a business transaction. He doesn't like her, he didn't get butterflies, he didn't walk her to her car when it was over. It was a business transaction.

It still hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes I really want to curl up in a ball in a corner and be done with it all. But, knowing that it's an addiction and NOT my fault helps ME feel better about me. Sometimes it takes awhile for my heart to beleive my head, but I do know it's not about me.

So, my man and I had a really really really long conversation and I saw him change. I saw him go from animal to man. When he's stoned he's mean and says hurtful things and wants things that aren't real. I saw this man for 3 days and then we were talking and I saw him become himself and he appologized and was sorry.

I beleive he's sorry and I know that when he's 'stoned' he says things the man part of him doesn't beleive and usually I'm able to deal with it, but he hit a nerve this time. I'm still trying to tell myself that he's serious when he said he was sorry and he was serious when he said he loves me the way I am and that I am beautiful. I KNOW in my head, but my heart doesn't beleive.

I want my man to fight harder so that the animal part of him disappears...FOREVER!

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