bottom.
I HATE THIS!
Today I hate my life.
Today I officially have hit bottom.
I hate it! I hate it all! I want it to be over.
How the hell can he tell me he loves me and wants me and in the same sentence be okay with me changing into what he wants? How?
And now I have this internal conflict. Oh, lately I've had many internal conflicts, but this one is hard. Wait! They're all hard! This one....I don't know. He wants me to lose weight. He wants me to have long hair. Blonde highlights would look nice. OH, so would nails. He wants me to wear dark makeup. Once I do lose weight then I need to wear nicer, trendier, sexier clothes.
I hate even writing all of this. It seems like the conflict would be an easy one to resolve, but it's not. I'd LOVE to grow my hair out, get highlights, get my nails done every 2 weeks, and spend TONS of money on hot clothes. I would! Who wouldn't like to feel sexier and prettier? BUT, we don't have the money! The money we have is going to debt we're paying because of his addiction. And I wrote about this in the previous post, but I want him to love me NOW not when I'm skinny, not when my clothes are hot.
Why is this such a dilemna? Why am I willing to change who I am to keep a porn addict around? Why doesn't he care? He doesn't even seem to get it! I just want to be loved! Why am I so hard to love? Why does this hurt so much? Why am I willing to give up who I am and he's not willing to fight harder?
Another conflict....when I went to where he was staying the other night did I beg him to come back? Is he only back because I may have begged a bit too hard? Or, does he want to be here?
I hate when this (his addiction) has such control over me that it consumes my everything. It was easier to deal with when I thought it had nothing to do with me. He assured me it had nothing to do with me. And now, well, now he's told me it has everything to do with me. EVERYTHING! Who I am isn't good enough. And because of that I have hit bottom.
I couldn't even look in the mirror long enough to do my hair. I got dressed and tried on EVERY damn shirt I own and then resorted to my ugly work out clothes. I saw cute little hot girls at the store and I cried...in the parking lot, in front of tons of people. I cried because I know I'm not good enough. Because my man wouldn't be having this problem if I looked like those girls. I KNOW it now. He's been very clear about that. What is a person supposed to do when they are told they're not good enough?
What am I supposed to do now?
Today I hate my life.
Today I officially have hit bottom.
I hate it! I hate it all! I want it to be over.
How the hell can he tell me he loves me and wants me and in the same sentence be okay with me changing into what he wants? How?
And now I have this internal conflict. Oh, lately I've had many internal conflicts, but this one is hard. Wait! They're all hard! This one....I don't know. He wants me to lose weight. He wants me to have long hair. Blonde highlights would look nice. OH, so would nails. He wants me to wear dark makeup. Once I do lose weight then I need to wear nicer, trendier, sexier clothes.
I hate even writing all of this. It seems like the conflict would be an easy one to resolve, but it's not. I'd LOVE to grow my hair out, get highlights, get my nails done every 2 weeks, and spend TONS of money on hot clothes. I would! Who wouldn't like to feel sexier and prettier? BUT, we don't have the money! The money we have is going to debt we're paying because of his addiction. And I wrote about this in the previous post, but I want him to love me NOW not when I'm skinny, not when my clothes are hot.
Why is this such a dilemna? Why am I willing to change who I am to keep a porn addict around? Why doesn't he care? He doesn't even seem to get it! I just want to be loved! Why am I so hard to love? Why does this hurt so much? Why am I willing to give up who I am and he's not willing to fight harder?
Another conflict....when I went to where he was staying the other night did I beg him to come back? Is he only back because I may have begged a bit too hard? Or, does he want to be here?
I hate when this (his addiction) has such control over me that it consumes my everything. It was easier to deal with when I thought it had nothing to do with me. He assured me it had nothing to do with me. And now, well, now he's told me it has everything to do with me. EVERYTHING! Who I am isn't good enough. And because of that I have hit bottom.
I couldn't even look in the mirror long enough to do my hair. I got dressed and tried on EVERY damn shirt I own and then resorted to my ugly work out clothes. I saw cute little hot girls at the store and I cried...in the parking lot, in front of tons of people. I cried because I know I'm not good enough. Because my man wouldn't be having this problem if I looked like those girls. I KNOW it now. He's been very clear about that. What is a person supposed to do when they are told they're not good enough?
What am I supposed to do now?
Comments
Don't buy into this crap! He is blame shifting you for his infidelity and addiction, and it's not fair. He's doing a great job of belittling you and making you feel guilty, when you have done nothing wrong!
My husband always wanted me in high HIGH stiletto's, tight clothing, my nails done, my toes done, heavy eyeshadow, thick eyeliner, lip liner, lip gloss, short Sharon Stone style hair- only jet black, thongs (the underwear), a shaved crotch all the time, he wanted me to get bigger breasts and do laser hair removal, lots of jewelry, big earrings, anklets, you name it, he wanted it. Looking back now, I know why!
No matter what you look like now or what you do to please him, he will still have a problem! It has nothing to do with you but everything to do with him! He can tell you all this crap until he's blue in the face, and he can belittle you and make you feel unworthy, but DON'T BUY IT!! DON'T YOU DARE BELIEVE HIM!
He's got issues and you're weight or short hair or conservative clothes have nothing to do with it...
Hang in there girl... hang in there... I wish I could make it all go away...
xoxo
Great meeting you today!! All my love...
xoxo
We love them, the way they are. Why can't they do the same for us...