"I wanna see you be brave"

I told my in-laws. My man didn't come home again after almost 9 full days of being 'clean'! I felt like I needed help, someone on my side, someone who will love my man no matter what and will help us beat this crappy addiction of his. So, I called my inlaws and asked them to come down the next day. I knew they'd be busy and have plans, but they dropped everything and came down. I haven't told very many people about my real life. I prefer to pretend like things are fine...it's easier that way. I told my parents and wish I hadn't...they are too judgemental and 1 sided because I'm their daughter. I told a friend and she thinks I should leave him. So, I've really struggled with whether to tell his parents. I'm so glad I did. Saturday was a tough day! I was emotionally drained within minutes of waking up. My man and I fought and I cried...a lot! I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much...to feel this much pain...to feel like I...

My man's been home awhile. Financially we can't stay separated long. It's been rough. We fight, he quit coming home from work right away (he'd come home 9 hours late), he didn't seem to want much to do with me AT ALL and when he did talk to me or spend time with me we were always yelling and we were both saying mean things and it just wasn't good...at all! I was an emotional wreck. I didn't think I could do it anymore! I googled, "how to file for divorce" and was ready to do it!!!! I cried and cried and cried when he wouldn't come home from work, I'd wake my boys up, put them in the car and find him. THen I'd beg him to come home and he wouldn't. I'd come home and cry more and it was unhealthy, but I couldn't stop! Then, a friend of my man's who has gone through all of this before, responded to my email and it was perfect....just what I needed to hear. I don't remember it now, but at the time it brought me...

At the end of the year I write a summary of what I've done, learned, etc through the year. It's my way of doing my personal history and passing it down. I enjoy writing it and feel like it's important. BUT, this year I'm struggling...REALLY REALLY struggling. I'm not sure what to write about 2010. January: My husband cheated on me....with a whore! February: My husband isn't showing much of a change....totally and completely addicted to porn March: fought with husband over porn addiction, felt worthless because I'm not good enough April: confused as to what to do....stay, go, support him May: husband's still addicted to porn, I still feel worthless June: Left husband July: kicked husband out August: husband not worthy to give my boys fathers blessings for back to school September: husband hates spending time with me. we always fight October: husband stayed home with porn while the boys and I went to the pumpkin patch November: husband come...