hope?

My man's been home awhile. Financially we can't stay separated long. It's been rough. We fight, he quit coming home from work right away (he'd come home 9 hours late), he didn't seem to want much to do with me AT ALL and when he did talk to me or spend time with me we were always yelling and we were both saying mean things and it just wasn't good...at all! I was an emotional wreck. I didn't think I could do it anymore! I googled, "how to file for divorce" and was ready to do it!!!! I cried and cried and cried when he wouldn't come home from work, I'd wake my boys up, put them in the car and find him. THen I'd beg him to come home and he wouldn't. I'd come home and cry more and it was unhealthy, but I couldn't stop! Then, a friend of my man's who has gone through all of this before, responded to my email and it was perfect....just what I needed to hear. I don't remember it now, but at the time it brought me so much peace and made me realize that I need to stop chasing him and do what's best for me. I started feeling peace at not chasing him and started feeling okay about not caring and not being hurt when he didn't come home. It was a good feeling....good, but sad. Good because finally I wasn't hurting ALL the time. Sad because I NEVER wanted my marriage to be like this. This isn't what I wanted AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN...I'm not sure what happened. I don't remember exactly, but things started getting better. He came home and told me he couldn't live like this anymore and that he HAD to change. I just listened and rolled my eyes. I've heard it all before. I know it's just a matter of days before he goes back to porn again. So, he agreed to let me drive him to and from work, read scriptures every day with me, have prayer (family, couple, and personal), read Out of the Ashes with me every night, give me his phone when he gets home, allow me to check his history, and to be honest. I didn't beleive him. I didn't think it'd last more than 1 day...SERIOUSLY!!!

It's been 2 weeks! I know it's not long, but for an addict it's really really great! He's had a few little hiccups in that time and the longest he's been clean in 5 days, but it's progress. He's spending time with me and our boys, he's helping me out more, he's calm and pleasant to be around, he's aware of my feelings and talks to me, he's like the man I married...the one I fell in love with. I like it....a lot. BUT, I still have my defenses up. I still don't trust him. I still have a TON of hurt and anger and resentment inside of me. But, I like where we're going right now. I like how things are. I hope this lasts. I hope he really changes. I hope this is it!

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