healing

I think I'm starting the healing process. For the past month I've been going through it. I thought it would be easier.
My man is doing really well and THIS time there's something different about him. He's humble! He's willing! He's nice! He's more understanding! I take him to work and pick him up and in the past he complained and yelled and hated it. Now, he loves the time with his boys in the morning and evening. In the past I'd ask him to read scriptures with us and he'd find a reason not to, now he willingly reads with us and participates! In the past I've asked him to read scriptures and another uplifting book with me every night and he wouldn't. Now, we don't miss a night....even if it's 2 am and I want to go to bed without reading! He's going to church with a good attitude, doing border patrol faithfully, answering every text message from our counselor, listening to me when I am struggling with the effects of his actions, spending time with me, and he's happy and nice to be around.
He's winning! He was tempted the other night...REALLY REALLY REALLY tempted and could've given up, but he talked to me about it, read the Ensign, and watched a movie with our oldest son....a kid movie! I was so proud of him I wanted to shout from the rooftops! HE WON!!!!!!!!!! He won a battle against SATAN! But, I didn't know what to do. When he screws up and loses I know what to do. I'm pretty good at it, too. I've got the whole dignified bitch thing down. I can keep my distance and make his life hell for a bit. But, this winning thing....I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm suppossed to talk it through with him, let him have his space, cheer him on, or what! It's hard to know what to do when he wins. I LOVE it and I'm so proud of him, but I'm new at it!
So, with all of this, I've started healing and it scares me. I'm afraid that he's going to mess up again and I don't want to let my guard down if I'm just going to get screwed over again. BUT, I know that I'm going to have to heal for this to work. I've stayed close to the Spirit and have been given a WONDERFUL gift through all of this. I've always known everything that's going on, even without proof. I am so grateful for that gift and it's been a tender mercy from the Lord. But, now that I'm feeling safe again...I mean really safe, not the wanting-to-be-loved-sick-of-being-lonely safe, but really safe I have a peaceful feeling that I can start healing.
It's hard and I'm scared! I want to tell him to be careful! I want him to know that I'm trusting him again and that I'm healing and if he screws me up again I don't think I'll ever forgive him or ever be able to heal. I don't want to do the broken part of this again. I just want to heal and be healed forever!!!!

Comments

Anonymous said…
You have always been so brave! You deserve every good thing that comes into your life!
February 9, 2011 at 6:56 AM
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