update

Sometimes I take huge breaks between posts.
It doesn't happen on purpose, but I've been quite depressed until about a week ago.
I really got my kids to school, took care of my baby and once he was down for a nap I slept.  He takes a LONG 5 hour nap when the house is quiet.
I just found that I only had energy for survival, so my blog was neglected.
Today I had the opportunity to go to the Togetherness Project.
It was amazing!
I will blog more about that tomorrow.
But today I want to give a quick update:
My mom got congenital heart disease and we found out her heart is only working at 20% so she needed to avoid stress.  I didn't feel like my 3 boys and I moving in was ideal, so we stayed.  I'm still married.
I'm happy.  Well, I'm larning to be happy.  But I'm not happily married.
I've set boundaries...rules that we follow in our house.  Things like....
chat sites, dating sites, porn sites and even FB being blocked on the computer
only having the computer if it's in a place other people can see it....no hiding what you're doing!
helping with dishes and kids before getting on the computer
That's really it, but my husband (I used to call him my man on this blog, but I really dont' like that anymore.  I'd go for calling him ass, but don't think that's very dignified on my part, so I'm not sure what to 'name' him on here anymore) throws massive fits and blames and is mean about it.  AND...
I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!
Until he finds a place to live those are the standards in our house.  It's pretty much hell dealing with him.  It's like talking to someone who doesn't understand English, only I understand very much the mean and hurtful things he's saying to me.
He went to a strip club twice in the past 30 days.  Once just for the show and the second time he got 3 lap dances, but he says it was only 2 because one girl did it twice.  He spent our money....we are unemployed and have no income AT ALL and he spent $190 on nothing!
He has let his addiction take control of him.  He's not there anymore.  I mean, the MAN I married...he's gone.  All that's left is a horrible, mean, dark, abusive (not physical) thing that lives here.  The man I married is gone.  I see him about once a month and only for about 12 hours.  So, he has allowed this addiction to take control of him and it now defines who he is.
He's looking at apartments on KSL and asked, "if we got divorced would you still help me with my homework?" ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
He wants the best of both worlds, but he can't figure out how to make it happen!
The saddest part of all of this is that he's better than this.  He could do so much with his life and do so much good for other people if he would just work towards recovery!  
Instead he's destroying himselves, me, and his 3 innocent little boys.
My heart breaks for those 3 little boys.
When he tells them he's found a different place to live they will be broken.  
And that is the reason I cry tonight.  I'm done greiving this marriage.  It's done.  There's nothing there anymore.  I'm done greiving for me....it's been YEARS and I've greived as I've needed to.  But, my boys!!!  They are innocent!!!  They don't deserve this!!!!  
My plan is to finish school in 4 years, get a job teaching at an elementary school and escape this hell.
BUT, it looks like he may move out before then.  So, we'll see.

Comments

Scabs said…
You are brave my darling friend.
October 20, 2013 at 10:54 PM
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