"I wanna see you be brave"

As mentioned in a previous post about The Togetherness Project we were all given necklaces with the logo from The Togetherness Project on them.  I loved mine, but wasn't sure I'd really wear it because I wasn't sure what'd I'd tell people if they asked about it.  But, I put it on that night while we were having dinner.  I slept with it on.  I wore it Sunday and then I took it off Monday to shower (yeah, I know, I should shower more often).  Then something happened.  I realized that many times throughout the day I went to feel the pendant and it wasn't there.  It felt like my wedding ring used to feel....I felt so lost without my necklace on.  So I went and put it on and I realized that since Saturday it has become part of me because I am not alone.  There are other women...women who are brave and amazing and beautiful...who know my secret.  This secret that I am the wife of  a porn addict.  They understand what it's like to que...

How do you heal from the horrible things the addict in your life has said to you? How do you get those thoughts out of your head? I am struggling with this. My (still unsure what to call him because he is my husband, but we're really just room mates).  Maybe I'll call him Despair.  Anyway, HE was taking care of business in the bedroom.  I have this 6th sense and I always know when he's doing something he shouldn't.  So I went into the room, turned the light on and very calmly and politley asked if he'd like some candles lit or some nice romantic music. Or maybe he'd like to paint his fingernails so it was more like love from a woman.  He was SO mad at me and told me to leave and told me I was crazy and that he wasn't doing anything.   I said, "what do you fantasize about anyway? Real stuff or the fake lies?"   he said, "It's DEFINATELY not you!" So for days that's all I heard in my head.  All day and all night.  T...

I had an amazing day Saturday! I heard about The Togetherness Project and wanted to go so bad. I printed out the schedule and circled which classes I would go to if I could go. But, my husband's unemployed and we have no savings and a lot of debt. So, I tucked the paper away. Then someone donated money for women to go and because of that persons generosity I got to go!!!! THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU! I got there and I was nervous.  I was alone.  I didn't know anyone there. I got my name tag and my bag.  The bag was great.  There was a notebook, a pen, the schedule, and rules. I thought I'd take a few notes, but I filled 1/2 my notebook. EVERYTHING was PERFECT.  There were tables set up, there were snacks in big beautiful vases.  there was ice water and everything was perfect! "How to Live a Better Story" Josh Brazier and Hollie henderson your life is a story you control the pencil What do you do with a blan...

Sometimes I take huge breaks between posts. It doesn't happen on purpose, but I've been quite depressed until about a week ago. I really got my kids to school, took care of my baby and once he was down for a nap I slept.  He takes a LONG 5 hour nap when the house is quiet. I just found that I only had energy for survival, so my blog was neglected. Today I had the opportunity to go to the Togetherness Project. It was amazing! I will blog more about that tomorrow. But today I want to give a quick update: My mom got congenital heart disease and we found out her heart is only working at 20% so she needed to avoid stress.  I didn't feel like my 3 boys and I moving in was ideal, so we stayed.  I'm still married. I'm happy.  Well, I'm larning to be happy.  But I'm not happily married. I've set boundaries...rules that we follow in our house.  Things like.... chat sites, dating sites, porn sites and even FB being blocked on the computer only having th...

Ugh! I love him.  I really do.    I went to church alone with my boys.  He stayed home and changed the netflix password so he could watch nasty movies.  He tried to change the comcast password, but I took the remote to church.  I realize this isn't normal.  I shouldn't feel the need to take a remote to church to force my husband to do what is right, but that's where I'm at in my life. He took our boys on a father and son campout and they had fun.  Those sweet boys love their dad so much.  I hate taking him out of their lives.  I hate it!  But he's not a good dad on a daily basis...he doesn't come home and help with homework, play, etc.  He comes home, turns the TV on, yells at them for being loud and that's it. I cried today.  This isn't new.  I cry every day lately.  I cry almost all day.  He was taking a nap and I wanted to go snuggle up next to him and have him hold me and keep me safe. ...

am I really still in this?  is this really still part of my life? am I really still hurting and broken?  am I really still hoping he will change? I hate this.  I hate this so much.  My heart is broken.  I am broken.  My kids, oh, my kids!  They are going to be broken. I'm leaving.  My boys and I, we're going to L.  The day after school is out we're going to move in with my parents.  They have a ginormous house and there is plenty of room for all of us.  I am not ready to make the big step and file for divorce.  So, we're going on a month long 'vacation' and in that month I'll see what my man does.  If he makes changes and really fights then I'll give it another month.  If he doesn't then I'll come 'home' and get more of our things to move to logan.  And I'll do that until August.  In August if no changes have been made I will register my boys for school in L and we'll really move in completely.  It'...

I don't even know where to start. I quit blogging because, to be honest, I was sick of people telling me to leave beause I deserve better.  I know I deserve better!  There is not a woman in the world who deserves to live like this...NO ONE DESERVES THIS!  We all deserve better...all of us who have to live with men in our lives who don't really cherish us.  I was also sick of people telling me to leave.  I know many women leave and I know many women think I should leave, but it's such a personal decision.  I need to make that decision on my own and I don't want people judging me for staying. I went to court for beating my man.  I pleaded abeyance.  I had to read The Bonds that Make Us Free and do a book report.  It was a great book and I think everyone should read it.  There are a lot of things I learned from it, but still some things I don't agree with.  All charges were dropped as of October 30 and my record will be clean as lon...