fat

Last night my man told me he'd come home if I'd lose weight.

Yes, I'm overweight and yes, I need to lose weight. But, how can that be a stipulation on him coming home? FOR REAL!? I've forgiven him over and over and over and have been more than supportive of his 'rehab' and have tried so hard to lighten his burden and do all I can for him. AND he's telling me to lose weight?! He's taken my happily-ever-after and destroyed it, he broke sacred covenants, he made a choice that left me and our boys without the preisthood in our home and he won't come home unless I lose weight?!

As ridiculous as it is I agreed! Why?! Because I don't want to be alone. Because I don't want to go to work. Because I don't want my boys in daycare. Because somewhere in there is the man I married, the one who really loves ME, who is nice and kind and loving. He's in there! I know he is! That's why I keep forgiving him. How many times do I have to keep doing this?

So, I woke up this morning (after about 2 hours of sleep) and was getting ready to go to my sons program. I looked in the mirror and all I saw was ugly. Oh, and fat. I gagged and threw up. Why is this my life? Why? I hate this! I hate that he told me to lose weight! I hate it! So, now, on this wonderful journey of misery I also get to feel like a fat, ugly, worthless person. I hate it. And, to be honest I don't want to lose weight! There are 2 resons:
1. It's hard. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm excited and boy do I eat when I'm lonely and sad. It's all I have when my man's being an ass. So, why would I give up food? The one person who's supposed to be my everything chose to walk out (not literally) so why would I give up food?
2. He's supposed to love me for who I am today! For the person I am right now. I don't want to lose 80 lbs and then have him FINALLY love me. He should love me now! He's gained weight, too and I still love him. He's cheated on, broken covenants, made me feel worthless and...I STILL LOVE HIM!

This thought (of what he said to me) is consuming me today! I don't feel like getting dressed. If I wear jammies all day I'll feel the same as I do if I get up and get dressed. Why try? I'm not going to be worth anything to him until I'm skinny, so why try?

Comments

J said…
No, no and NOOOOOO!! You do not deserve this at all!! There is no reason at all that he should be putting this kind of pressure or insult on you. I'm sorry but it's just too damn bad for him that you're a little overweight. Give me a break! That is no excuse to cheat and lie and become a selfish you know what...

I'm going to reiterate what I said in the other comment... You could be Sandra Bullock (literally) and still have a cheater of a husband!! You losing weight is a great idea for YOU but not as a reason to try to win him back or cure him! He doesn't deserve that...

YOU deserve to be happy again! You deserve to loose weight for you and because you know it will make you happy- not him!

And trust me, I'm thin and my husband still cheated! It made no difference! I still don't feel like I'm sexy enough or thin enough. I'm flabby and small breasted and zitty and now from all the stress my hair is falling out- basically I feel like crap too!

You don't deserve the pressure to loose this weight. You need to work on your healing... not his!

Here am I talking like I'm a doctor... like I know... Geez I'm in the same mess as you... what a night mare!

My suggestion... get dressed, get out and get a pedicure :) I'll go with you!

xoxo

You're in my thoughts :)
June 3, 2010 at 12:25 PM
Anonymous said…
I identify COMPLETELY! I am overweight mostly because I am an emotional eater, eating because my husband is a porn addict, and up til very recently I'd never told anyone about his addiction. I was completely alone and coping with it the best I could. I have learned something very recently I'd like to share with you. Please be very very careful what you say to yourself. I was at a stoplight 3 weeks ago and the Spirit simply said to me "do you hear yourself? Listen to what you are telling yourself." I was, in my head, screaming at myself that I was stupid, ugly, fat, a complete idiot, that I should never open my mouth because I'd inevitably put my foot in it. I was shocked at the absolute hatred and venom I was spewing at myself. I'd NEVER say those things to anyone else. So, for a few days, I just listened to my internal dialogue. I realized I believed everything I was telling myself. Satan had really crawled into my brain and had completely taken over my God-given self esteem. So, I've spent 3 weeks stopping my negative self talk and asking Heavenly Father what I should tell myself in these different situations. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me, and I know he sees things in my I can't even conceive of right now. I know I have spiritual gifts and talents that he is trusting me to use...for whatever purpose...I don't see it right now. The same is true of you. You have divine spiritual gifts and talents, pray for Him to replace all this negative in your mind and to really let you know what He sees in you. I can't tell you the peace I have felt (and the quiet in my brain since I have stopped screaming at myself). Satan's already gotten to your husband. Don't let him inside your mind or let him control your self esteem -- your little boys need you to be a complete, whole, strong person who sees yourself for who you really are, not this distortion that Satan and now the world has led us all to believe. {hugs}. I'm in there with you, and I will keep you in my prayers.
April 9, 2011 at 7:12 AM
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