My Story
My man and I had been married for 4 months and I'd just found out I was pregnant! Life was good and I was so happy. THEN, I discovered porn on our computer. We chatted and went to counseling. His use was on and off for a bit.
Then, he went a year, a WHOLE YEAR without anything! It was heavenly! What I would give to have that year back.
We moved and that move triggered something in him. His addiction was back and it was bad. August will be 3 years without any huge break in my man's use. It's been rough. I've hated it! I'm not a fan of being the wife of a porn addict. But I've learned a lot.
In October or November of 2009 he used a WHOLE paycheck for porn! My 2 sweet boys and I were left without any way of buying food, paying rent, etc. He DID take care of it and got us what we needed... and I kicked him out. He was gone for a month. It was a horrible month. I missed him so much. He's not a bad person and that's what's so irritating. He's a great dad, he is very supportive of my hobbies, he likes to spend time as a family, he takes me on dates...but, he's a porn addict. When I kicked him out he only had 1 place to go and it was 2 hours away. So he was commuting 4 hours every day. My boys did well and I beleive they were protected! I was able to function while they were awake and then I'd fall apart as soon as they were in bed. Nights were rough...they still are. But, that month he showed improvement and was remorseful and we couldn't afford the gas anymore so I let him come home.
Things were good. He was meeting with our counselor, he was helping me more, he wasn't watching TV, he was fighting! I thought things were really good and we talked and both felt comfortable with me leaving town. I was gone for 2 days and in that time my life was turned upside down. He hired a hooker AND he went to a strip club! That was on February 27th...3 months ago. I was so angry and hurt. He was honest and so remorseful. He left before I got home. He was gone for a month and we ran out of money, so he came home. Okay, he was also allowed to come home because I missed him. I still don't know why I miss him when he's gone...that's for another post.
He met with our Bishop, he's going to counseling, and he has a list of things he HAS to do in order to fight this addiction. He's been doing so good and I've been able to let me guard down a bit. It's refreshing.
Then, yesterday he told me he's struggling. He called a few escort services (why we call them escorts I would like to know. A hooker's a hooker no matter what you call her) and wasn't sure he could fight anymore. We talked about really fighting...I mean putting ALL your energy into something. He's 1/2 assing again. He has a habit of doing that....and he can't win if he's 1/2 assing!
Tonight, I had YW's. I left something at home and when I came in to get it he was in the room with Mr. M (masturbation) and I flipped! I told him I'm done and want to file for divorce tomorrow. I got home from YW's and he was in a hotel...uh, I think not! I went and beat the crap out of him and then we had a long talk. It was a very very very hurtful talk and I still haven't processed it. It's going to hurt again when I start processing it. I told him he had to decide what he wants...he can fight harder for me and the boys or he can give up and live with hookers. He couldn't decide!!!!!! I was so hurt! I have forgiven him and supported him over and over and over and over and he can't decide if I'm really what he wants?! ARE YOU KIDDING?! So, he told me he'd come back if I'd lose weight....and I said okay. Why? Why did I say okay? Why am I willing to do that? Why can't he love me the way I am?
So, here I am. Back to being a dignified bitchy pioneer woman.
I was inspired by mynotsoperfectmormonmarriage.blogspot.com to start this blog. I thank her! What a therapeutic idea. I am keeping names anonymous to protect my loved ones (and the one I love sometimes).
I have learned so much on this journey already and hope that I can help someone somewhere. It feels so good to know you're not alone!
Then, he went a year, a WHOLE YEAR without anything! It was heavenly! What I would give to have that year back.
We moved and that move triggered something in him. His addiction was back and it was bad. August will be 3 years without any huge break in my man's use. It's been rough. I've hated it! I'm not a fan of being the wife of a porn addict. But I've learned a lot.
In October or November of 2009 he used a WHOLE paycheck for porn! My 2 sweet boys and I were left without any way of buying food, paying rent, etc. He DID take care of it and got us what we needed... and I kicked him out. He was gone for a month. It was a horrible month. I missed him so much. He's not a bad person and that's what's so irritating. He's a great dad, he is very supportive of my hobbies, he likes to spend time as a family, he takes me on dates...but, he's a porn addict. When I kicked him out he only had 1 place to go and it was 2 hours away. So he was commuting 4 hours every day. My boys did well and I beleive they were protected! I was able to function while they were awake and then I'd fall apart as soon as they were in bed. Nights were rough...they still are. But, that month he showed improvement and was remorseful and we couldn't afford the gas anymore so I let him come home.
Things were good. He was meeting with our counselor, he was helping me more, he wasn't watching TV, he was fighting! I thought things were really good and we talked and both felt comfortable with me leaving town. I was gone for 2 days and in that time my life was turned upside down. He hired a hooker AND he went to a strip club! That was on February 27th...3 months ago. I was so angry and hurt. He was honest and so remorseful. He left before I got home. He was gone for a month and we ran out of money, so he came home. Okay, he was also allowed to come home because I missed him. I still don't know why I miss him when he's gone...that's for another post.
He met with our Bishop, he's going to counseling, and he has a list of things he HAS to do in order to fight this addiction. He's been doing so good and I've been able to let me guard down a bit. It's refreshing.
Then, yesterday he told me he's struggling. He called a few escort services (why we call them escorts I would like to know. A hooker's a hooker no matter what you call her) and wasn't sure he could fight anymore. We talked about really fighting...I mean putting ALL your energy into something. He's 1/2 assing again. He has a habit of doing that....and he can't win if he's 1/2 assing!
Tonight, I had YW's. I left something at home and when I came in to get it he was in the room with Mr. M (masturbation) and I flipped! I told him I'm done and want to file for divorce tomorrow. I got home from YW's and he was in a hotel...uh, I think not! I went and beat the crap out of him and then we had a long talk. It was a very very very hurtful talk and I still haven't processed it. It's going to hurt again when I start processing it. I told him he had to decide what he wants...he can fight harder for me and the boys or he can give up and live with hookers. He couldn't decide!!!!!! I was so hurt! I have forgiven him and supported him over and over and over and over and he can't decide if I'm really what he wants?! ARE YOU KIDDING?! So, he told me he'd come back if I'd lose weight....and I said okay. Why? Why did I say okay? Why am I willing to do that? Why can't he love me the way I am?
So, here I am. Back to being a dignified bitchy pioneer woman.
I was inspired by mynotsoperfectmormonmarriage.blogspot.com to start this blog. I thank her! What a therapeutic idea. I am keeping names anonymous to protect my loved ones (and the one I love sometimes).
I have learned so much on this journey already and hope that I can help someone somewhere. It feels so good to know you're not alone!
Comments
I'm going to be bold and say something here... because I believe it's the same for me too...
Whether or not you loose all the weight in the world by next month, your husband will still have a problem next month. It won't go away just because you shed a few pounds!
Although I don't have much weight to lose, I feel the same as you... if I would've dressed sexier or wore sexy panties instead of my g's more or been a sex machine every night- he wouldn't have a problem... or if I do it now, it'll cure him.
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
This has nothing to do with your weight or my lack of sexy lingerie... it has everything to do with our husbands and their twisted idea of what sex and intimacy is.
I want you to know that you are not alone... You are such a strong person. I don't know how you've managed to stick around for 6 years! It's been 4 months for me and I can't bear it much longer. You are a woman of strength and beauty all the way around!
hugs and more hugs...
Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a part of- blogging about our husbands porn and infidelity... yippee! :)
xoxo