pathetic

I left my man last night. I caught him lying, I had proof and he still lied. So, I left.
I don't know how I finally got to that point. I had to be ready for it. you can't leave before you're ready. And everyone's time is different.
It wasn't pretty. There was lots of yelling, hitting, breaking wedding pictures, and blaming. My man left and I gathered a few random items, threw them in a bin and got my boys in the car and we were off. Headed for a 2 hour drive to my parents house.
I was on the road and I called my man about 500 times to talk and to try 1 more time to get him to realize that he's being dumb and needs to do better.
Then, I called to have him meet me at home so we could sit down and talk.
Then, I drove all over the city looking in strip club parking lots, porn shop parking lots, etc when I realized I was being pathetic. I AM PATHETIC!!!!
It reminded me of a part of MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING where the bride is running and the groom is running afther her and the best friend is running after the groom. I'm the freaking best friend! I'm chasing my man all the time. I want him to change and I want him to choose me, but, I realized last night that I want a man who is going to chase ME!!!! I am chase worthy! I deserve to be chased! So chase me, dang it!!!
Seriously all I want is for him to realize how amazing I am and to give up this other life of his and to chase ME and do anything for ME!!! Give up the porn, craigslist, the hookers, the toys, the EVERYTHING!!! I'm worth it!
Now I'm begging to be chased and, really, I am pathetic. All day today I thought to myself, "I'm not going to call him! I'm not going to text him!" and all day I called him and I texted him. Not once did he call or text first...not once! I'm pathetic!
I cried all day! I hate not knowing what my future holds! I decided to get a job, but my man told me not to...he'll take care of us. BUT, will he really? All day I felt that he was doing something wrong...all day! And if he did mess up he lied when he told me he was clean today. So, what do I do? If I let him take care of me is it going to bite me in the butt? If I don't let him take care of me am I not allowing him to chase me in a way?
The guy at maverik will never ask people how their days going. I bawled when he asked me! I was reading a book to my kids and started bawling, I sang primary songs with my boys tonight and I bawled again.
I want my happily ever after!!
I'm sick of being pathetic.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Hey lady...

I tried calling you today... I assume you've got a lot going on... So I thought I'd comment until we could talk.

You are NOT pathetic! You deserve to be chased and treated with dignity and respect! YOU DESERVE IT!

My advice- and maybe M will disagree with me- STOP calling and texting him. He crossed the line- along time ago- and he knows you'll keep calling and coming around. Pioneer woman it- take care of you! If he really loves you and REALLY wants to get better for himself, he'll clean himself up, he'll fight for you and your boys, and he'll chase you and win you back.

No more of this you chasing him stuff- it's only making you feel worse about yourself and you don't deserve anymore of this...

Pioneer woman it- let him fight for you. If he doesn't see what he's losing FOR REAL.... then he doesn't deserve you- not one bit.

Eager to chat with you deary...

hang in there...

Hope you're doing ok... I'm a little worried... text, call or comment on here as soon as you can so I know you're okay!

Momma J

xoxo
June 30, 2010 at 8:11 PM
Anonymous said…
You are not pathetic. Not in any way. I cannot give you council but I can tell you that your words are very inspiring to me as I prepare to not make the same mistakes your husband has made. Thanks for your courage and thoughts
July 6, 2010 at 4:34 PM
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