"I wanna see you be brave"

My man's gone! I don't know where he is, but he's not here and he's not with me. He's been doing this a lot lately. He blames me! He blames me for not trusting him and for being hurt and for questioning him. So he leaves. He leaves and calls other women and doesn't come home for hours and hours and hours and hours. Sometimes it's up to 8 hours. And I hurt! I hurt so bad! It's hurt that no one could explain and you couldn't understand unless you've been through it. I'm afraid to share my feelings with him. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm afraid of sharing things with him. Because he'll leave. Then, I'll load my boys in the car and I'll search for him. I search for him and beg him to choose me and come back! And I still hurt! I hurt more than I EVER thought possible. I cry and cry and throw up and shake and can't control it! And when he comes back I welcome him. I am a mess! I know I need t

This whole journey is exhausting! I feel like it's never ending! It's a roller coaster! Some days are good, some are great and some just suck! Some days I wonder if it's even really worth it anymore! People who know my situation tell me they'd leave. It's really bothered me that I don't feel the same way. It bothered me that I thought I SHOULD want to leave or feel like it's the best thing, but I don't. I've come to a realization and I feel better about my decisions. NO ONE knows what they'd do if they were in a situation. And, everyone's situation, no matter how similar, is different. Someone going through the exact same crap I am could know that she's supposed to get divorced and start over. That's what's right for HER and no one should judge her for that. Someone else going through more crap could know that she's supposed to stay. That's what's right for HER! So, I am following the Spirit and my instinc

I've been taking Celexa (an anti-depressant) for about a month now and I LOVE it! It kind of just takes the edge off and makes me a happier person. I'm more patient with my children. I'm more patient with my man. I'm more patient with myself. I am able to relax if things are a little out of place. I can sleep if the dishes aren't done. It's easier to let things go. I see the joy in life. It's been great. **** My man's strugglnig a bit right now. I've learned things this year that have made it easier for me to deal with his crap. I'm following the Spirit and doing what I feel I'm supposed to. I feel peace. Even when I'm mad at my man for his stupidity and hurt by his decisions I still feel peace.

My man's here for the weekend. I invited him and we agreed to him being here every other weekend. Good or bad? I don't know. So far a little of both. I'm still hurting and trying to do this alone and trying to not hate what he's done to me. and I dont' think he gets that. I feel like he's just here for the action and not wanting to do much else. So, here we go! p.s. my laptop's broken, so it's going to be at HP for 2 weeks...see ya then!

*My man is still gone, but he calls and he stops by and I know he loves me. He's being honest with me and he's fighting to keep our family together. *I know I am a daughter of God who loves me. *An aquaintance (I'm too tired to spell check that) gave me the opportunity to take 2 photography/editing workshops at no charge. I learned a ton and loved it. I'm working on a portfolio/website and am thinking about starting a business. This will give me some freedom so when things are crappy I can decide whether to stay with my man and not have money be such a huge issue. *I have a friend who is going through something similar and we have really bonded. She bought me a book, Out of the Ashes, and it is soooo good. *I have my boys! My sons friend is dying of leukemia and his poor mom lost her husband to a heart problem last summer. and...she's 25, can't keep her apartment, and insurance isn't covering treatments....really, I don't have it that bad! *I have

All the time people are saying, "call if you need anything." Not just about this, but whenever someone's having a hard time in life we always say, "call if you need anything." Well, I have clothes from a week ago that need to be folded and put away, shirts that need ironing, my boys room that needs to be cleaned, a fridge that needs to be cleaned out, and I really really really don't want to make dinner. BUT, why would I call anyone? Everyone struggles in life, I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to be the callifyouneedanything person anymore. I want to be the person who will drop dinner off on someone's door stop, go over and iron a few shirts or do a sink of dishes, or send a card in the mail. I want to be the person who, eventhough I won't know what they NEED, I can lighten their burden a little bit. I want a person like that in my life, so that's what I'm going to become. I'll do it...after I'm done skinning

My man lied to me for about a week. He lied about looking at porn, phone sex, etc etc. I don't handle the lies well. If he relapses and is honest with me then we can continue working on it....but when he lies it's like we're not a team headed for the same thing anymore. So, after he spent more money and couldn't handle lying anymore, he fessed up and he left. He left because he can't have me pushing him. He needs to work with God to overcome this. He needs to figure out what he wants, not what I want him to want. He has to get this out of his life. While he's gone working on this I also hope he sees how much I do for him and how amazing I am eventhough, in the worlds eyes, I'm not much. We've talked every day. He's doing okay. He hates this addiction and he tells me how sorry he is that this has affected my life as well. I love him. I want him to want me and I want him to be done with this! I know this is what we're supposed to be doi

My sister texts me every night and asks how my day was. She texts/calls multiple times a day and it's starting to wear on me. She wants to know if she should buy a red shirt or the black shirt, to tell me about how irritated she is that her husband brought her breakfast in bed and he should've known she doesn't like cream cheese on her bagel, that a girl in her ward is stand offish even when my sister is nice to her....on and on and on. I don't care! I don't care about the shirt! I don't care that your biggest fight with your husband is over cream cheese! I don't care that a girl is stand offish...maybe her husband cheated on her and she's trying to deal with it! So, every night when she asks about my day I tell her what she wants to hear. but what I really want to say is: you have no idea! I'm still struggling with my self image. Because of my husbands addiction and things he's said to me...I don't see myself as an attractive woman. I

My grandpa passed away. It was expected and we got to see him at a family reunion 3 weeks earlier, so it was good. But, I will miss him. He cherished my Grandma. He loved her and they were together for more than 1/2 their lives. They were comfortable with eachother and knew eachother so well. They took care of eachother, got on eachother's nerves, knew when it was time to tease and time to appologize. That's what I want! I want that unconditional love. I want to be cherished. I want to grow old with a man who will love me and be by me and ONLY me for the rest of forever. Some days are good and I think that's what we're working towards...together we're healing and moving forward. Other days I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm too afraid of being hurt again. I say mean, hurtful things to my man when he's trying his hardest to serve me and help me and is really really trying to fight this addiction. I just don't want to get hurt again! I want

I've been a dignified bitch for 3 weeks now! I've set and kept boundaries. My man has been respectful of the boundaries I've set. He's been honest. He lets me check up on him. He's fighting! FOR REAL fighting. Not half-assed fighting like he's done in the past, but 100% fighting. He's not talking about what will happen next time, because, he's not planning on a next time. We've been very open and honest with our feelings. I'm finding this part of my journey hard. I know it's only been 3 weeks, but, I'm starting to trust him a little. It's a weird feeling to trust him. I haven't felt this in 3 1/2 years. And, I'm being very cautious. I know it's still soon, but I'm feeling good. I still have my moments where I wonder what is in the future, but I feel good about this. I'm trying to learn how to trust again! Is this good or am I setting myself up again? EDIT 7*16*2010: I typed this too soon! I should've held off

I've been praying a lot! I've been making sure I don't make any decision without the Lord. But, I've been questioning myself a little. At WORTH group on Saturday we talked about prayer. The lesson I gave on Sunday was about daily revelations. And I remembered! I know how I feel the Spirit. It touches each of us differently. But, I know, for me, how the Spirit communicates with me! And I remembered that I need to stop questioning! The Lord will not give me more than I can handle (sometimes I wish I wasn't so dang amazing) ;)!!!! He knows me and He loves me and will not lead me astray! Now I am making my decisions and am confident (most of the time) in the conclusions I come to. My mom has her input and she's pretty vocal about it and doesn't agree with my decisions right now, but I have to remember that I am doing what is right for me and I can't base any of my decision on pleasing those around me who I love and respect. My man is home. I'm be

I was at my parents house Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. It was miserable! I hated it! I hate my life right now! Wednesday my man begged me to go home and promised to leave after all the family reunions of the weekend. So, I came home. I got the house cleaned, laundry done, and then I got ready to go camping. I also found out that my man messed up while I was gone. REALLY?! hello, dumb ass! You were supposed to prove to me that you WANT me and want this crap out of your life! Why?! Why did you mess up? Why didn't you fight to prove that you want me and our boys? I don't get it! So, we went camping, we went to my family reunion, my parents know, his parents know. My man and I were civil to eachother and enjoyed our weekend. We got home and started talking about him leaving and we can't afford it! We really can't do it!!! We're at the point that we'd have to claim bankruptcy if we added another expense. SO, he's been home. And I've lied

I left my man last night. I caught him lying, I had proof and he still lied. So, I left. I don't know how I finally got to that point. I had to be ready for it. you can't leave before you're ready. And everyone's time is different. It wasn't pretty. There was lots of yelling, hitting, breaking wedding pictures, and blaming. My man left and I gathered a few random items, threw them in a bin and got my boys in the car and we were off. Headed for a 2 hour drive to my parents house. I was on the road and I called my man about 500 times to talk and to try 1 more time to get him to realize that he's being dumb and needs to do better. Then, I called to have him meet me at home so we could sit down and talk. Then, I drove all over the city looking in strip club parking lots, porn shop parking lots, etc when I realized I was being pathetic. I AM PATHETIC!!!! It reminded me of a part of MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING where the bride is running and the groom is running a

Do I have to do this forever? I wish it would end. I wish I could have something normal. Is there normal? Is there a happily ever after? I want this to be over. I just want him to fight his butt off and get this out of our lives!

Over the past 6 years, through all this crap, I feel like I have to remind myself that I've already learned something! I had some ah-ha moments this week and it was great! I feel good. I feel like we're moving forward. He's being honest. Even when he messes up (loses a battle) he's telling me and we're able to work together. My biggest ah-ha this week was that I have to rely on God. Our counselor put this on his blog and I love it. When my man isn't following God and isn't leading our family in righteousness then I have to leave him behind and hope he catches up. But I can't force him. I can't drag him to the celestial kingdom! I will get there! I will stand blameless before God. I will work hard to teach and guide my children so they will be there with me. I will invite my man to join us in our journey to the celestial kingdom, but it will be up to him. It's kind of scary because I want him to want me and I don't want to be alo

I find it therapeutic to say a few naughty words when I'm angry. So, excuse me for any naughty's you may come across in this post. I'm a little on the angry side. Counseling today. 2 hours!!!! An hour for me and an hour for my man. It was hell. I found that my man has been lying to me. We made an agreement...for every day clean he gets a little somethin' and I won't complain. So, for 3 days he told me he was clean and I gave him what he wanted...even a little somethin' extra! Day 3....my gut told me he was lying. He SWORE he was being honest. In counseling today I found that he's been lying to me for the whole 3 days. I was angry. no, I was LIVID! I beat him, punched him, threw my purse at him, pinched and left. Then I walked back in for more. He left and I had a chat with our counselor. My stomach has been in knots ever since. I understand how women can physically hurt their men...I get it now! I really do! To be hurt this much by the person who is supposed

We've been in this area for 3 years and have been in the same ward the entire time. I've struggled trying to find my place and making friends, but I think I've finally found it. I've met some great people, been given opportunities to serve those around me, and have fallen in love with this area and with my ward. I am surrounded by good, strong, amazing women. Yesterday I spent my day being surrounded by them. They will never know how much I needed them. M knows that my man and I are having problems because of some poor choices he's made and she's amazing. She's like a sister and doesn't ask questions beyond "how are you?" and "what can I do to lighten your burden?" She really is great. She came and spent some time with me yesterday as my boys and I were hanging out by the pool. We talked about craft projects, talked about 1 person who is prying and driving me bonkers. J is my visiting teacher and not someone I would've been

Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

Broken ~lifehouse~ The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken hear that's still beating in the pain there is healing in your name I find meaning The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes that are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life. I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating In the pain there's the healing in your name I find meaning so I'm holdin' on I'm barely holdin on to you. I'm hanging on another day just to se what you will throw my way And I'm haning on to the words you say you siad that I would be oka The broken lig

Our counselor is amazing! He is inspired. Through my 6 year journey I have done a lot of reading/research about porn/sex addiction. I get it! I finally get it! BUT, that doesn't make it any easier to live with it and sometimes I still forget. Pornography IS an addiction. It affects the brain. It's real. It isn't MY fault. If I was skinny we'd still be here, if I was better in bed...we'd still be here. NO matter what, we'd still be here because my man is addicted. This article is amazing! My previous posts PROVE that I forget this sometimes. Our counselor put it differently. A way that is easier for me to understand. When men are stoned (this happens for porn addicts as well) they become like animals. So, when my man hired a hooker his animal brain took over. When animals mate they don't court, they don't have a relationship. They want a little lovin', then get it and then they go on with their day. The hooker was a business transaction. He doesn'

he said, "she's perfect in ever way, but let's face it. Skinny women are more attractive." Thanks! and, did you know that fit men are more attractive? and that men who respect their women are more attractive?

I HATE THIS! Today I hate my life. Today I officially have hit bottom. I hate it! I hate it all! I want it to be over. How the hell can he tell me he loves me and wants me and in the same sentence be okay with me changing into what he wants? How? And now I have this internal conflict. Oh, lately I've had many internal conflicts, but this one is hard. Wait! They're all hard! This one....I don't know. He wants me to lose weight. He wants me to have long hair. Blonde highlights would look nice. OH, so would nails. He wants me to wear dark makeup. Once I do lose weight then I need to wear nicer, trendier, sexier clothes. I hate even writing all of this. It seems like the conflict would be an easy one to resolve, but it's not. I'd LOVE to grow my hair out, get highlights, get my nails done every 2 weeks, and spend TONS of money on hot clothes. I would! Who wouldn't like to feel sexier and prettier? BUT, we don't have the money! The money we hav

Last night my man told me he'd come home if I'd lose weight. Yes, I'm overweight and yes, I need to lose weight. But, how can that be a stipulation on him coming home? FOR REAL!? I've forgiven him over and over and over and have been more than supportive of his 'rehab' and have tried so hard to lighten his burden and do all I can for him. AND he's telling me to lose weight?! He's taken my happily-ever-after and destroyed it, he broke sacred covenants, he made a choice that left me and our boys without the preisthood in our home and he won't come home unless I lose weight?! As ridiculous as it is I agreed! Why?! Because I don't want to be alone. Because I don't want to go to work. Because I don't want my boys in daycare. Because somewhere in there is the man I married, the one who really loves ME, who is nice and kind and loving. He's in there! I know he is! That's why I keep forgiving him. How many times do I have t

My man and I had been married for 4 months and I'd just found out I was pregnant! Life was good and I was so happy. THEN, I discovered porn on our computer. We chatted and went to counseling. His use was on and off for a bit. Then, he went a year, a WHOLE YEAR without anything! It was heavenly! What I would give to have that year back. We moved and that move triggered something in him. His addiction was back and it was bad. August will be 3 years without any huge break in my man's use. It's been rough. I've hated it! I'm not a fan of being the wife of a porn addict. But I've learned a lot. In October or November of 2009 he used a WHOLE paycheck for porn! My 2 sweet boys and I were left without any way of buying food, paying rent, etc. He DID take care of it and got us what we needed... and I kicked him out. He was gone for a month. It was a horrible month. I missed him so much. He's not a bad person and that's what's so irritating.