"I wanna see you be brave"

I don't even know where to start. I quit blogging because, to be honest, I was sick of people telling me to leave beause I deserve better.  I know I deserve better!  There is not a woman in the world who deserves to live like this...NO ONE DESERVES THIS!  We all deserve better...all of us who have to live with men in our lives who don't really cherish us.  I was also sick of people telling me to leave.  I know many women leave and I know many women think I should leave, but it's such a personal decision.  I need to make that decision on my own and I don't want people judging me for staying. I went to court for beating my man.  I pleaded abeyance.  I had to read The Bonds that Make Us Free and do a book report.  It was a great book and I think everyone should read it.  There are a lot of things I learned from it, but still some things I don't agree with.  All charges were dropped as of October 30 and my record will be clean as long as I don't get any moving vi

He's fighting. I just talked to him and asked why. He told me he deosn't want to lose his family. He wants to be home with us. I've never been this....withdrawn and angry. I am so hurt. The things he's said and done to me...I don't know if I can forgive. I don't trust him. But, he's fighthing. He calls me every morning and every night. He stops by to see the kids. He's 7 days clean. I'm not about to let him move home or be too quick to forgive, but he's fighting! I will be honest....I wasn't sure he'd choose me. I'm still not sure, as time goes by, that he'll keep fighting and choose me. But, for now, he's fighting and winning and choosing me. And I'm still being cautious. I'm still struggling to trust him and i know it will come with time....unless he messes up again.

long story short: my man got a new phone. i installed net nanny on it. he uninstalled it. he left for 8 hours to get his fix and came home. for 2 weeks he was ALL addict. he locked me out of the room while he did his video chatting and porn watching. i sat in the front room ALONE and hurting so bad. on our way out the door for church without my man and he locked me out of the bathroom. i told him it was time for him to leave. forever. he laughed at me like i was kidding. i went crazy. not my finest moment. definately not proud of what followed. especially since my children were home. i kicked the door down. i broke it. i pushed my man into the bathtub. i used the plunger and plunged his face. then i used the handle to hit him. i got out 8 years of hurting. i know it was wrong and i know it can't happen again, but it felt good. i got my boys in the car and we were leaving for the night so my man could see i was serious. the cops came. i got a citation for domestic violence, domestic