"I wanna see you be brave"

I fell in love.  This man promised me the world.  He was a return missionary.  He was worthy to take me to the temple.  He had the same goals as I.  We wanted to start a family and it was important for me to stay home and raise them.  He was going to work full time and go to school part time.  He was going to love, honor and cherish me and only me. We went ring shopping.  I knew exactly what I wanted.  1 perfect karat with no other diamonds to take away any attention from that karat.  I fell in love with my ring.  But what I loved the most about it was what it represented.  The man of my dreams gave it to me.  It symbolized his love for me and the goals we had for our lives and our family.  It symbolized eternity...a perfect, happily ever after eternity. My ring became nothing more than a piece of really pretty jewelry....a constant reminder of the cheating and the love I wanted.  It was a reminder of the cheating.  It was a reminder of what I wasn't.  It was a reminder of the

A month ago I did 2 things I never thought I'd do! 1.  I took my boys to Disneyland 2.  I survived my first road trip as a single mom We had a blast!  I thought it would be sad to accomplish a goal that I set with my STBX (soon to be ex). But it wasn't.  It felt good!  It was a peaceful, relaxing, fun trip.  We did what we wanted to even if it wasn't on our plans or made our drive longer.  Everything about our 10 days was perfect! And we've already made plans for our road trip next summer....Seaworld here we come! It took me a week to get back to real life.  I didn't want to be home. I've never taken more than 2 days to get unpacked and back to life and I realized that it's because I've never been on a vacation that  I  wanted to go on. We always went camping and it was fun to make those memories, but it was so much work for me and I have never loved camping. This time I truly got to relax and do what I wanted.  We had fun and i

I heard from someone that someone close to me, someone I trust, thinks I'm a bad mom.  She thinks I yell at my kids too much.   Then there's my dad who thinks that I don't discipline my kids enough.  He thinks they need more spankings and need to be  yelled at more. I was told by someone that they trust me, but then they told someone else that they don't trust me. you know what none of them know? I HURT EVERY DAY! I am trying to survive EVERY DAY! That's it!  My goal is to make it through the day. I don't have the energy for much more than that. I have 3 boys and they don't listen.   I don't yell right away.  I ask nicely, I ask a little less nicely, I demand, and then...I YELL! It's a goal of mine to not yell.  But, sometimes my need for survival comes before holding my tongue. They don't know that 4 years ago on Feb. 27th I found out that my husband, the one who is supposed to love and cherish me, hired a hooker.  I

I have never watched The Grammy's. Growing up I was never allowed to stay up that late. Then, I married a porn addict and watching The Grammy's triggered something in me every time. I couldn't watch it.  I knew N was looking at all the skin that was showing on those women's perfect bodies, I knew he was wishing I looked like them, and I also knew that's what he would fantisize about. So, I hated watching The Grammy's or anything like it. We would always try watching it and I'd ask him to change the channel when a 1/2 naked woman was on stage and I felt uncomfortable and he'd tell me no that it wasn't triggering anything in him. I knew better. I hated that part of being married to a porn/sex addict....always wondering who he was looking at and why. HATED IT! So, tonight, I sat down and watched The Grammy's with my parents. My dad changes the channel at the first sign of anything inappropriate and for that I am SO grateful.

I was fine. I was having fun with all my siblings and their families here. Everyone was getting along great and I was really enjoying spending time with my family. Up to this point I hadn't really had any break downs.  I was doing great.  I was emotionally, mentally and physically doing great. And then I heard a woman screaming and sobbing.  I looked outside and there were ambulances, police cars and people. I don't know my neighbors well.  They have a 5 year old boy who comes over and plays a lot.  I know that the wife works full time and the husband is unemployed.  I know they lost their business and were losing their house in January.  I also knew that H (husband) suffered from depression. I don't know what I thougt happened.  It didn't matter. I KNEW THAT SOUND.  I knew that sobbing and screaming meant loss.  Loss and anger and utter despair. We found out that H, the one who is supposed to provide safety and security for his family, had killed himself. I st