"I wanna see you be brave"

I took the following from my therapists blog. click HERE "There is a group of pioneer women among us for whom I have grown to have deep respect and compassion. Sadly, these are the women who, like those who were forced out of their dream homes in Nauvoo, are being forced out of their dream marriages by the significant mis-behaviors of their husbands. You see, I am a professional counselor who specializes in working with LDS marriages, primarily those affected by the sexual indiscretions of the husbands. Commonly, the wife I meet has a history of trying to be a righteous woman. She followed all the rules that were supposed to “guarantee” a good husband and a good marriage. She tried to be a good wife by meeting all his needs. But nonetheless, he stepped out of the marriage through pornography, masturbation, an affair, or anything like unto such. The shock of discovering what their Priesthood holding husband has done, throws them into a state of confusion and pain. After e

Well, it's been 25 days.  It's almost been a month since we separated. It's been good. There have been some rough times. I cry. Things set me off and I get really sad for the life I thought we had.  We had a lot of fun times together.  A lot of fun as a family.  I loved him.  When we talk on the phone it's weird not telling him I love him.  I do love him, but it's a different kind of love.  I care for him and I feel sad for him.  I have already hated him...I've gone through the angry stage (see the post about the plunger).  I am just sad for him. But, I miss what should've been.  What could've been if he'd have worked harder and fought harder and CHOSEN me! I really struggle with this question: Why didn't he choose me?  Will I ever be worth choosing to anyone? As I work through my emotions I have discovered that this healing stuff really sucks!  But, it's worth it because those moments are rare. Mostly I'm happy, or at least work

My family has told me that they thought I would be more of a wreck. That I would cry and sleep and be sad and depressed. But, I'm happy and fine and feel so free. People tell me how sorry they are. When I tell them I'm fine and they SEE that I'm okay, the ask why. So, my explanation is that it's like my husband has had cancer for 7 ish years. I've slowly grieved this loss. I've gone through every step of the grief cycle many times. But, this past year it got more intense and I really grieved big time. And then the past month he was already gone.  I mean, he was there, but he wasn't. Like when people with cancer are in their final days. they are physically there, but they don't respond and they can't talk and they aren't present....just there, waiting to go. That's how my husband was.  He was there, but we didn't talk and we lived seperate lives. I was able to grieve that loss. It was hard.  I look back at my jou

8 days ago I left my old life.  I left my husband.  I left my friends and I left the place I loved and had known as home for 9 years. The week leading up to that day was hectic, chaotic, sad and exhausting. My husband indulged in his smut while I was packing.  If I was packing in the living room he was on his computer looking at and talking to whores. The weirdest thing for me is that I did NOT care...at all.   We were like strangers living in the same house.  I don't know how we got to this point.  It was weird.  But, I wasn't sad or mad or hurt or anything.   I need to clarify something....I wasn't sad I was leaving him, but I was broken hearted for my children. I was sad I was leaving this life I wanted, this life I thought I was going to have when I married this man 9 years ago who has slowly become a stranger in my life. The day I left was a good day.   My dad showed up and I felt so much peace.  We didn't have anyone to help load the truck bec

As mentioned in a previous post about The Togetherness Project we were all given necklaces with the logo from The Togetherness Project on them.  I loved mine, but wasn't sure I'd really wear it because I wasn't sure what'd I'd tell people if they asked about it.  But, I put it on that night while we were having dinner.  I slept with it on.  I wore it Sunday and then I took it off Monday to shower (yeah, I know, I should shower more often).  Then something happened.  I realized that many times throughout the day I went to feel the pendant and it wasn't there.  It felt like my wedding ring used to feel....I felt so lost without my necklace on.  So I went and put it on and I realized that since Saturday it has become part of me because I am not alone.  There are other women...women who are brave and amazing and beautiful...who know my secret.  This secret that I am the wife of  a porn addict.  They understand what it's like to question your husband and to check

How do you heal from the horrible things the addict in your life has said to you? How do you get those thoughts out of your head? I am struggling with this. My (still unsure what to call him because he is my husband, but we're really just room mates).  Maybe I'll call him Despair.  Anyway, HE was taking care of business in the bedroom.  I have this 6th sense and I always know when he's doing something he shouldn't.  So I went into the room, turned the light on and very calmly and politley asked if he'd like some candles lit or some nice romantic music. Or maybe he'd like to paint his fingernails so it was more like love from a woman.  He was SO mad at me and told me to leave and told me I was crazy and that he wasn't doing anything.   I said, "what do you fantasize about anyway? Real stuff or the fake lies?"   he said, "It's DEFINATELY not you!" So for days that's all I heard in my head.  All day and all night.  T

I had an amazing day Saturday! I heard about The Togetherness Project and wanted to go so bad. I printed out the schedule and circled which classes I would go to if I could go. But, my husband's unemployed and we have no savings and a lot of debt. So, I tucked the paper away. Then someone donated money for women to go and because of that persons generosity I got to go!!!! THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU! I got there and I was nervous.  I was alone.  I didn't know anyone there. I got my name tag and my bag.  The bag was great.  There was a notebook, a pen, the schedule, and rules. I thought I'd take a few notes, but I filled 1/2 my notebook. EVERYTHING was PERFECT.  There were tables set up, there were snacks in big beautiful vases.  there was ice water and everything was perfect! "How to Live a Better Story" Josh Brazier and Hollie henderson your life is a story you control the pencil What do you do with a blank page? develop

Sometimes I take huge breaks between posts. It doesn't happen on purpose, but I've been quite depressed until about a week ago. I really got my kids to school, took care of my baby and once he was down for a nap I slept.  He takes a LONG 5 hour nap when the house is quiet. I just found that I only had energy for survival, so my blog was neglected. Today I had the opportunity to go to the Togetherness Project. It was amazing! I will blog more about that tomorrow. But today I want to give a quick update: My mom got congenital heart disease and we found out her heart is only working at 20% so she needed to avoid stress.  I didn't feel like my 3 boys and I moving in was ideal, so we stayed.  I'm still married. I'm happy.  Well, I'm larning to be happy.  But I'm not happily married. I've set boundaries...rules that we follow in our house.  Things like.... chat sites, dating sites, porn sites and even FB being blocked on the computer only having th

Ugh! I love him.  I really do.    I went to church alone with my boys.  He stayed home and changed the netflix password so he could watch nasty movies.  He tried to change the comcast password, but I took the remote to church.  I realize this isn't normal.  I shouldn't feel the need to take a remote to church to force my husband to do what is right, but that's where I'm at in my life. He took our boys on a father and son campout and they had fun.  Those sweet boys love their dad so much.  I hate taking him out of their lives.  I hate it!  But he's not a good dad on a daily basis...he doesn't come home and help with homework, play, etc.  He comes home, turns the TV on, yells at them for being loud and that's it. I cried today.  This isn't new.  I cry every day lately.  I cry almost all day.  He was taking a nap and I wanted to go snuggle up next to him and have him hold me and keep me safe.  I went and laid down and he rolled over.  I couldn

am I really still in this?  is this really still part of my life? am I really still hurting and broken?  am I really still hoping he will change? I hate this.  I hate this so much.  My heart is broken.  I am broken.  My kids, oh, my kids!  They are going to be broken. I'm leaving.  My boys and I, we're going to L.  The day after school is out we're going to move in with my parents.  They have a ginormous house and there is plenty of room for all of us.  I am not ready to make the big step and file for divorce.  So, we're going on a month long 'vacation' and in that month I'll see what my man does.  If he makes changes and really fights then I'll give it another month.  If he doesn't then I'll come 'home' and get more of our things to move to logan.  And I'll do that until August.  In August if no changes have been made I will register my boys for school in L and we'll really move in completely.  It'll be a slow and smooth