"I wanna see you be brave"

My boys are in counsling. one has ADHD, the other has severe anxiety. They are now having anger issues...MAJOR anger issues. I told their counselor about my marriage and my sex addict husband. She asked me for a time line of events. When this all started, when we've been seperated, when he's not come home, when we've fought, how many times, and when, he's lied to the boys. I couldn't tell her. It's all a blur. He's left so many times I have no idea when he's been gone. We've been seperated so many times I quit keeping trrack. Why me? WHY!? I hate this! Why am I still married? Because..... well, I don't know! I'm starting to forget why. I'm starting to NOT want to be married. I'm starting to lose it all. My counselor told me that I'd slowly get to this point of not wanting to be married. I'm not loving this. My boys counselor told me that when we've tried everything and don't get any different results then it&

my man did great for so long. Life was good. We were happy. I was trusting him again...mostly. We weren't fighting. I was feeling like I was really worth something to him again. I liked it! I felt like we were going to live happily ever after. Then, we were planning to leave town. The boys and I were outside waiting for my man to get home. We had all our stuff outside. He promised to be home in 15 minutes. 9 hours later he made it. I had to tell my boys we weren't leaving, I had to figure out how to tell them their dad wasn't going to be home. I was upset and sad for me for a bit. Then I had this feeling that I needed to buck it up. I need to be my boys' mom. They needed me. I was sad for them. We laid in my bed and talked and read and fell asleep. I was up all night thinking and praying. I came to a conclusion. I need to stop caring. As soon as I decided that I felt so much peace and was able to spend my night for me and not worrying abo

he lost again. he left me for 7 hours. I was bugged and hurt. but i didn't cry. i didn't let it affect me. i read scriptures with my boys, had prayer, read books, and put them to bed. then i sat up and wondered what i'm supposed to do. i prayed, i pondered, i listened to soothing music i feel like the more he does this to me the farther i pull away and eventually it'll just die and the only option will be to go our seperate ways. i feel good about that conclusion. i don't love it. i dont' love that this is my life. all i want is for my man to love me, to cherish me, and to want me and only me. i want to be the only woman he's ever looked at or shared intimate moments with. i've worked so hard this past few months to gain a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. i have learned so much about myself and about the Spirit and about the love my Savior has for me. but none of that helps for the few days or weeks after a bad lost battle. i went to do my ha

Our counselor, Maurice , suggested my husband and I blog together or each have a blog. We decided to each have our own. So, my man started a blog this morning. We're hoping that through our blogs other people can find help and hope. We have been on this journey for 6 years. Some times are better than others. Sometimes I'm not sure we're going to make it to celebrate another anniversary with him. But, I follow my heart and the Spirit and do what I feel is best for ME right now. We're still married, we're still fighting and we will win! Together we can make our lives better. I wish men, those still single and those who are married, could understand, really understand, that when you bring this addiction into a marriage you are affecting a whole family and your wife is there to be part of your team. I love when my man is honest with me, when he tells me he's tempted and needs help, when he asks me to take him to work so there isn't a temptation to go somewhere

please read this . I wish I would've read it. It's exactly how I feel. We're putting our lives back together again. We're doing it and it's better, but it's still hard. I am trying to trust again. I'm trying to heal. My man is working hard to overcome his addiction. But, it's hard. I want to wear a sign (see this link) that says, "my husband is a porn/sex addict. Please be gentle with me. I'm just trying to survive." But I can't. I pretend things are fine. I listen to people judge. I listen to other people complain because their husband won't let them buy ANOTHER kitchen gadget. Everything appears to be fine. But it's not. We're all fighting battles and we need to remember to see other peoples signs and be gentle to eachother.

It's amazing how fast life changes. I knew the happiness and bliss couldn't last. I wanted it to and I hoped it would. OH, how I hoped and prayed that he would continue to fight for me. But, he gave up and gave in and lost. 2 days in a row. He doesn't just lose. He leaves me! He leaves me and doesn't come home for hours and doesn't answer the phone. I'm left here wondering and my mind goes crazy. Well, tonight, my boys were up and he siad he'd be here and he said he had a treat for them. He never showed up. They spent a couple hours drawing him pictures and waiting up for him. AND HE NEVER SHOWED. So, what am I supposed to do? Instead of crying and feeling sad for myself I bucked up and took action. I am being strong....for now. I packed his stuff in a garbage bag and I was quite nice and organized about it. Then I stuck it on the doorstep and locked the 3 locks on our door. I texted him and asked him not to bother me until he decides what he really wants. I

I wonder if I'll ever totally trust my man again. He's almost 30 days clean with 1 little hiccup. And I still don't trust him 100%. I wish he never would've done this to me. I used to be THE most naive person EVER! And now....I'm not. I hate that my man changed that in me. I am happy, I really am. But I don't know if I'll ever totally trust him. When he leaves to go places alone I worry the whole time! I worry he's going to find a way to make a call. I worry that he's going to give into Satan. I worry about it all. I want this to go away. I want him to leave and be able to sit at home and work on a project or watch TV in peace. I worry that I'll never stop worrying! Addictions affect more than just the addict.

I think I'm starting the healing process. For the past month I've been going through it. I thought it would be easier. My man is doing really well and THIS time there's something different about him. He's humble! He's willing! He's nice! He's more understanding! I take him to work and pick him up and in the past he complained and yelled and hated it. Now, he loves the time with his boys in the morning and evening. In the past I'd ask him to read scriptures with us and he'd find a reason not to, now he willingly reads with us and participates! In the past I've asked him to read scriptures and another uplifting book with me every night and he wouldn't. Now, we don't miss a night....even if it's 2 am and I want to go to bed without reading! He's going to church with a good attitude, doing border patrol faithfully, answering every text message from our counselor, listening to me when I am struggling with the effects of hi

I hate February. I hate that my husband forgets Valentine's day every year. I hate that I expect my man to remember and do something special. I hate that there has to be a day to remind us to show our love to those who are important to us. AND now I hate it because it's the month my husband cheated on me. February 27th. I hate that day! I hate it more than any other day all year! I don't know how to get that day to become normal again. I don't want it to mean anything. I don't want to remember what happened on that day! I DO NOT WANT THAT DAY TO EVEN BE! I wish I could take every young man and tell him of the pain they can cause women if they give into their deviant sides. I wish I could explain how much their actions affect the women in their lives. I wish there was a way to make men FEEL the emptiness, lonliness, and pure hell I have felt this last year! If there was anyway to take February 27th away I would! I would give anything for that! But, i can

I told my in-laws. My man didn't come home again after almost 9 full days of being 'clean'! I felt like I needed help, someone on my side, someone who will love my man no matter what and will help us beat this crappy addiction of his. So, I called my inlaws and asked them to come down the next day. I knew they'd be busy and have plans, but they dropped everything and came down. I haven't told very many people about my real life. I prefer to pretend like things are fine...it's easier that way. I told my parents and wish I hadn't...they are too judgemental and 1 sided because I'm their daughter. I told a friend and she thinks I should leave him. So, I've really struggled with whether to tell his parents. I'm so glad I did. Saturday was a tough day! I was emotionally drained within minutes of waking up. My man and I fought and I cried...a lot! I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much...to feel this much pain...to feel like I&#

My man's been home awhile. Financially we can't stay separated long. It's been rough. We fight, he quit coming home from work right away (he'd come home 9 hours late), he didn't seem to want much to do with me AT ALL and when he did talk to me or spend time with me we were always yelling and we were both saying mean things and it just wasn't good...at all! I was an emotional wreck. I didn't think I could do it anymore! I googled, "how to file for divorce" and was ready to do it!!!! I cried and cried and cried when he wouldn't come home from work, I'd wake my boys up, put them in the car and find him. THen I'd beg him to come home and he wouldn't. I'd come home and cry more and it was unhealthy, but I couldn't stop! Then, a friend of my man's who has gone through all of this before, responded to my email and it was perfect....just what I needed to hear. I don't remember it now, but at the time it brought me

At the end of the year I write a summary of what I've done, learned, etc through the year. It's my way of doing my personal history and passing it down. I enjoy writing it and feel like it's important. BUT, this year I'm struggling...REALLY REALLY struggling. I'm not sure what to write about 2010. January: My husband cheated on me....with a whore! February: My husband isn't showing much of a change....totally and completely addicted to porn March: fought with husband over porn addiction, felt worthless because I'm not good enough April: confused as to what to do....stay, go, support him May: husband's still addicted to porn, I still feel worthless June: Left husband July: kicked husband out August: husband not worthy to give my boys fathers blessings for back to school September: husband hates spending time with me. we always fight October: husband stayed home with porn while the boys and I went to the pumpkin patch November: husband come