"I wanna see you be brave"

I have never watched The Grammy's. Growing up I was never allowed to stay up that late. Then, I married a porn addict and watching The Grammy's triggered something in me every time. I couldn't watch it.  I knew N was looking at all the skin that was showing on those women's perfect bodies, I knew he was wishing I looked like them, and I also knew that's what he would fantisize about. So, I hated watching The Grammy's or anything like it. We would always try watching it and I'd ask him to change the channel when a 1/2 naked woman was on stage and I felt uncomfortable and he'd tell me no that it wasn't triggering anything in him. I knew better. I hated that part of being married to a porn/sex addict....always wondering who he was looking at and why. HATED IT! So, tonight, I sat down and watched The Grammy's with my parents. My dad changes the channel at the first sign of anything inappropriate and for that I am SO grateful.

I was fine. I was having fun with all my siblings and their families here. Everyone was getting along great and I was really enjoying spending time with my family. Up to this point I hadn't really had any break downs.  I was doing great.  I was emotionally, mentally and physically doing great. And then I heard a woman screaming and sobbing.  I looked outside and there were ambulances, police cars and people. I don't know my neighbors well.  They have a 5 year old boy who comes over and plays a lot.  I know that the wife works full time and the husband is unemployed.  I know they lost their business and were losing their house in January.  I also knew that H (husband) suffered from depression. I don't know what I thougt happened.  It didn't matter. I KNEW THAT SOUND.  I knew that sobbing and screaming meant loss.  Loss and anger and utter despair. We found out that H, the one who is supposed to provide safety and security for his family, had killed himself. I st