2013
October 20, 2013: I went to church alone again! As we left T (my oldest) told me he didn't want to go to church if his dad didn't have to go. I was so mad and discouraged. I got to church and sat with the family we always sit with. They were always amazing and so helpful when I was at church alone. They never asked about anything, they just helped and I am so grateful for them. It was High Council Sunday and it made church even more difficult. The High Councilman started talking about obedience and about the wiseman and the foolish man. As he was speaking I realized that I can't do this anymore. I couldn't be in a marriage where we were headed 2 ways. I knew right then that my marriage was almost over.
October 21, 2013: I had a normal day, but had a lot of time thinking about what to do with my life. I did laundry, cooked, cleaned and took care of my kids. The boys were in bed and I was writing in my journal and N was on the computer. I could see the reflection of what he was doing in the window. I could see he was looking at hard core porn. I asked him over and over to put it away and spend time talking to me or doing something together. He wouldn't. I asked him what he wants in life. He told me things are great how they are and that he's not choosing. Later that evening I got a call from my sister. She asked me a weird question and we hung up. I knew that's not what she wanted. A few minutes later she called back and told me that N had a FB profile that popped up on her feed and it was a picture of him naked asking for sex. I told her I knew about it. She told me she had told my parents.
I got off the phone and N was mad at me for not having his back and making something up. Right then I realized how messed up we were. I thought, for a sec, that I was wrong and that I shold've backed him up.
I went to bed and N stayed up looking at porn.
October 22, 2013: I volunteered in Dylan's classroom, cleaned, and played with Hayden. I got the boys to bed and talked to N about getting divorced. He told me he's not choosing and he's not going to be the one to be the one giving up. He told me he likes his life the way it is. He likes being married and he likes the fantasy and thrill of hookers and porn.
I met with my Bishop and he told me that I just need to follow the spirit and he was sad that N had chosen this. I went and talked to L.B. and she was so kind and understanding.
N told me if I'm going to leave he wants me out in 4 days because he has plans. So I called my dad. He said he would be down on Friday to help me move. He told me I could go to school full time and he wold help me however I needed.
October 23, 2013: Called the boys school. Told them we would be leaving Packed all day. N sat on the chair looking at porn and getting sex dates lined up for the weekend.
October 24, 2013: A couple friends found out and called. They came by and I cried a lot. These people have been my family and support system for 8 years. My heart was breaking. I packed all day!
October 25, 2013: My dad came and helped me pack. Some great friends helped and I cried. I left my home and family of 8 years. My heart was broken.
And now it's October 23, 2016...3 years later. I've been emotional and withdrawn. I couldn't pinpoint why. Is it possible that my subconsious just knows? I hate that he did this to me. I hate it so much. And I hate HIM!!!
October 21, 2013: I had a normal day, but had a lot of time thinking about what to do with my life. I did laundry, cooked, cleaned and took care of my kids. The boys were in bed and I was writing in my journal and N was on the computer. I could see the reflection of what he was doing in the window. I could see he was looking at hard core porn. I asked him over and over to put it away and spend time talking to me or doing something together. He wouldn't. I asked him what he wants in life. He told me things are great how they are and that he's not choosing. Later that evening I got a call from my sister. She asked me a weird question and we hung up. I knew that's not what she wanted. A few minutes later she called back and told me that N had a FB profile that popped up on her feed and it was a picture of him naked asking for sex. I told her I knew about it. She told me she had told my parents.
I got off the phone and N was mad at me for not having his back and making something up. Right then I realized how messed up we were. I thought, for a sec, that I was wrong and that I shold've backed him up.
I went to bed and N stayed up looking at porn.
October 22, 2013: I volunteered in Dylan's classroom, cleaned, and played with Hayden. I got the boys to bed and talked to N about getting divorced. He told me he's not choosing and he's not going to be the one to be the one giving up. He told me he likes his life the way it is. He likes being married and he likes the fantasy and thrill of hookers and porn.
I met with my Bishop and he told me that I just need to follow the spirit and he was sad that N had chosen this. I went and talked to L.B. and she was so kind and understanding.
N told me if I'm going to leave he wants me out in 4 days because he has plans. So I called my dad. He said he would be down on Friday to help me move. He told me I could go to school full time and he wold help me however I needed.
October 23, 2013: Called the boys school. Told them we would be leaving Packed all day. N sat on the chair looking at porn and getting sex dates lined up for the weekend.
October 24, 2013: A couple friends found out and called. They came by and I cried a lot. These people have been my family and support system for 8 years. My heart was breaking. I packed all day!
October 25, 2013: My dad came and helped me pack. Some great friends helped and I cried. I left my home and family of 8 years. My heart was broken.
And now it's October 23, 2016...3 years later. I've been emotional and withdrawn. I couldn't pinpoint why. Is it possible that my subconsious just knows? I hate that he did this to me. I hate it so much. And I hate HIM!!!
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