"I wanna see you be brave"

I told my in-laws. My man didn't come home again after almost 9 full days of being 'clean'! I felt like I needed help, someone on my side, someone who will love my man no matter what and will help us beat this crappy addiction of his. So, I called my inlaws and asked them to come down the next day. I knew they'd be busy and have plans, but they dropped everything and came down. I haven't told very many people about my real life. I prefer to pretend like things are fine...it's easier that way. I told my parents and wish I hadn't...they are too judgemental and 1 sided because I'm their daughter. I told a friend and she thinks I should leave him. So, I've really struggled with whether to tell his parents. I'm so glad I did. Saturday was a tough day! I was emotionally drained within minutes of waking up. My man and I fought and I cried...a lot! I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much...to feel this much pain...to feel like I...

My man's been home awhile. Financially we can't stay separated long. It's been rough. We fight, he quit coming home from work right away (he'd come home 9 hours late), he didn't seem to want much to do with me AT ALL and when he did talk to me or spend time with me we were always yelling and we were both saying mean things and it just wasn't good...at all! I was an emotional wreck. I didn't think I could do it anymore! I googled, "how to file for divorce" and was ready to do it!!!! I cried and cried and cried when he wouldn't come home from work, I'd wake my boys up, put them in the car and find him. THen I'd beg him to come home and he wouldn't. I'd come home and cry more and it was unhealthy, but I couldn't stop! Then, a friend of my man's who has gone through all of this before, responded to my email and it was perfect....just what I needed to hear. I don't remember it now, but at the time it brought me...

At the end of the year I write a summary of what I've done, learned, etc through the year. It's my way of doing my personal history and passing it down. I enjoy writing it and feel like it's important. BUT, this year I'm struggling...REALLY REALLY struggling. I'm not sure what to write about 2010. January: My husband cheated on me....with a whore! February: My husband isn't showing much of a change....totally and completely addicted to porn March: fought with husband over porn addiction, felt worthless because I'm not good enough April: confused as to what to do....stay, go, support him May: husband's still addicted to porn, I still feel worthless June: Left husband July: kicked husband out August: husband not worthy to give my boys fathers blessings for back to school September: husband hates spending time with me. we always fight October: husband stayed home with porn while the boys and I went to the pumpkin patch November: husband come...

My man's gone! I don't know where he is, but he's not here and he's not with me. He's been doing this a lot lately. He blames me! He blames me for not trusting him and for being hurt and for questioning him. So he leaves. He leaves and calls other women and doesn't come home for hours and hours and hours and hours. Sometimes it's up to 8 hours. And I hurt! I hurt so bad! It's hurt that no one could explain and you couldn't understand unless you've been through it. I'm afraid to share my feelings with him. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm afraid of sharing things with him. Because he'll leave. Then, I'll load my boys in the car and I'll search for him. I search for him and beg him to choose me and come back! And I still hurt! I hurt more than I EVER thought possible. I cry and cry and throw up and shake and can't control it! And when he comes back I welcome him. I am a mess! I know I need t...

This whole journey is exhausting! I feel like it's never ending! It's a roller coaster! Some days are good, some are great and some just suck! Some days I wonder if it's even really worth it anymore! People who know my situation tell me they'd leave. It's really bothered me that I don't feel the same way. It bothered me that I thought I SHOULD want to leave or feel like it's the best thing, but I don't. I've come to a realization and I feel better about my decisions. NO ONE knows what they'd do if they were in a situation. And, everyone's situation, no matter how similar, is different. Someone going through the exact same crap I am could know that she's supposed to get divorced and start over. That's what's right for HER and no one should judge her for that. Someone else going through more crap could know that she's supposed to stay. That's what's right for HER! So, I am following the Spirit and my instinc...

I've been taking Celexa (an anti-depressant) for about a month now and I LOVE it! It kind of just takes the edge off and makes me a happier person. I'm more patient with my children. I'm more patient with my man. I'm more patient with myself. I am able to relax if things are a little out of place. I can sleep if the dishes aren't done. It's easier to let things go. I see the joy in life. It's been great. **** My man's strugglnig a bit right now. I've learned things this year that have made it easier for me to deal with his crap. I'm following the Spirit and doing what I feel I'm supposed to. I feel peace. Even when I'm mad at my man for his stupidity and hurt by his decisions I still feel peace.

My man's here for the weekend. I invited him and we agreed to him being here every other weekend. Good or bad? I don't know. So far a little of both. I'm still hurting and trying to do this alone and trying to not hate what he's done to me. and I dont' think he gets that. I feel like he's just here for the action and not wanting to do much else. So, here we go! p.s. my laptop's broken, so it's going to be at HP for 2 weeks...see ya then!