"I wanna see you be brave"

October 20, 2013:  I went to church alone again!  As we left T (my oldest) told me he didn't want to go to church if his dad didn't have to go.  I was so mad and discouraged.  I got to church and sat with the family we always sit with.  They were always amazing and so helpful when I was at church alone.  They never asked about anything, they just helped and I am so grateful for them.  It was High Council Sunday and it made church even more difficult.  The High Councilman started talking about obedience and about the wiseman and the foolish man.  As he was speaking I realized that I can't do this anymore.  I couldn't be in a marriage where we were headed 2 ways.  I knew right then that my marriage was almost over. October 21, 2013:  I had a normal day, but had a lot of time thinking about what to do with my life.  I did laundry, cooked, cleaned and took care of my kids.  The boys were in bed and I was writing in my j...

Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference was today in Salt Lake. It was hard to go. I want to leave this life in the past...the one that has anything to do with pornography, but I'm learning I can't ever do that. I'm raising 3 boys in this world, I work with the young women in my church and... I will fight to keep them safe from pornography or get them help they need. The Conference was great! The videos from the classes will be here soon. Following are some of my favorite resources I found at the conference: The Facts found here   and here porn sex vs. healthy sex found here The Hazards of Porn found here Net Cetera Chatting with Kids about Being Online here 7 Steps to Protect your Family download the steps here This website has books that help parents talk to their kids about sex and pornography. I looked through each book and they are amazing. Every home should have these books! This website gives i...

Around Thanksgiving/Christmas time I was feeling pretty lonely and wanted to find someone to be with.  A guy to ease my burden of single motherhood, make me smile again, talk to and do things with.  So, I downloaded a ton of dating sites, paid some money and started dating.  It was fun.  I liked the attention.  But I still didn't have that one person.  That person to talk to, laugh with, do things with. In January sometime I sent a message to a guy.  He was a bit mysterious so I sent a message and we started messaging back and forth. It wasn't like the usually dating stuff. It was fun and comfortable and there was no pressure. He made me laugh and was smart and witty. We started texting and have texted every day. We met for dinner and there wasn't a spark or butterflies or whatever you want to call it. We talked about our 'relationship' and what we wanted and agreed to be friends. I LOVE the way things are. He's met the boys and we'...

X spent 3 days in jail.  He beat his 3 step sons and a police officer saw.  He's out on bail...his grandparents enable him.  It broke my heart to tell my boys that they have to have supervised visits with their dad because of some bad choices he's made.  They also know there's an investigation, but they don't know why.  They are taking it in.  They ask questions and they are mad and it breaks my heart. I heard and cried.  His dad called and told me.  I cried because I can't believe where his choices have taken him.  I can't believe he is so far from the person I fell in love with him and married.  I know he's better than this and that we could've lived happily ever after if he would have made different choices.  Sometimes I still ache for what could have been.  I still have moments of grieving for the life I had always dreamed of.

I went through 2 weeks of complete hell. I found out x MARRIED the girl he told me he was serious with.  They just went to the courthouse in town and got married. It destroyed me. Not because I want him back...this is so hard for people to understand unless they've experienced this as well. How can he move on and be happy and not be alone? I'm raising 3 kids and going to school full time and being the mom and dad and I'm doing it alone. He is the one who destroyed our marriage, so why I am the one who is alone?   It was also hard because it was a reminder of everything he promised me and destroyed. How could someone love this man who completely destroyed everything in me? 2 weeks of hell.  I was in a dark place.  Darker than I've been in a long time.  I didn't know how I'd ever make it out. Then, I met her.  She's a genuinely kind person, she's so great to my kids and she and I get along really well.  I invited her over right before Christma...

X called. He's serious with a girl. Actually, he told me they're getting married. And, I'm a mess. I haven't cried this much in a long time....about 2 years. WHY?!  WHY is this bothering me so much? It's taken me 3 days to work through all of this.  The first day I couldn't stop crying.   Today I cried once. So I'm making progress. So many emotions... this is supposed to be my life, my happily ever after. this man took it from me. He took it and is giving it to someone else. He is changing for this woman and her 3 boys, but... he wouldn't change for me or OUR boys! He was supposed to make me so happy.  He promised me happiness, love and to cherish me. He knows all of my insecurities, all of my weaknesses and he threw them in my face. We were supposed to live a life together, raise a family together, go on adventures together, go to soccer games, recitals, scouts, church, etc together. I had envisioned gro...

I thought my ex and I were getting along well. I thought we were agreeing on things and making sure the boys were happy and doing everything for them. Then I found it nothing was as it seemed. My boys told me to tell their dad they didn't want to go to his girlfriends house. Well, that's what they did.  all day. My boys hated it, they told me they would never go with their dad again.  They told me her kids were mean and used bad language.  They told me they didn't feel safe there and they would run and hide next time they had to go with their dad.  They want to talk to the judge and tell him they don't want to have to go with their dad every other weekend. I want them to have a relationship with their dad.  It's important for them.  But, I want them to be safe, too.  I don't want to keep my ex from seeing his kids.  I enjoy my weekends when they are gone...I get to sleep in, get caught up on homework, go out with friends, etc. ...